Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Thursday. I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries. I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer. These are not current events. This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.
August 19, 2010
I feel weird! Almost high tonight. We think it might be the steroid. It made KJ hungry...like "clean out the kitchen" kind of hungry. Literally opening cans of veggies and eating them from the can. The kitchen looked like a bear had broke in! Another friend got violent. I'm just chatting myself hoarse. Honesty, I really don't know what being high on speed is like but I'm crazy like that. I can't relax, I can't sit. The only thing we can think of is the steroid. I need to sleep to prepare for my first chemo tomorrow.
I feel strangely calm. I'm just ready to get on with it and start the process of ridding myself of cancer. No big anxiety about what's going to happen. I do think the calmness is from prayer. The truck broke down on KJ this am...radiator blew. So I was scrambling to find someone with vehicle to borrow or who could take us. No one returned my call. I was this [ ] far from calling and postponing the first treatment. A friend loaned us her truck tonight for the week. So that worry got cleared up and resolved.
I will be having chemo. I think some of this euphoria might be relief. The transportation issue is resolved. Starting the chemo means I'm finally DOING something about this cancer to battle it. I' not longer just "standing by."
This was actually designed these for Women's Heart people. But K said when he saw the red dress and the hat with all the roses...he knew it was meant for me. It makes me smile every time.
Whew. Starting to feel tired. The anti-nausea meds make me sleepy but no hang overs the next day. I'm thinking I will be taking a little compazine tonight. :)
I had waaaaayyyyy to much tea yesterday. I enjoy ice tea but I think its also what is making me feel high, too much caffeine. I fell asleep sometime after 4 am this morning. I should be able to rest well this afternoon.
Prayers are with you all day today! I love you my friend and I pray that your nerves are calm and peaceful. Find a prayer or sentence that you can recite to help you if you get scared. This is what I do when I'm having anxiety issues and it seems to help
Because we already know I have cancer in 2 lymph nodes, they are starting with chemo to attempt to stop any further spread and to shrink the current growths. I am having a hysterectomy for now two reasons. My ovarian cancer risk is too high now to leave them in. I didn't want to give cancer anywhere to rest. And ovarian ca is too hard to detect and grows so fast.
I'm at risk for colon cancer too. But I can get yearly checks to keep an eye on that. So far I have a clean colon.
The other reason for the hysterectomy I learned yesterday. My breast cancer is estrogen fed. So removing all sources of estrogen is more important. I also learned it is the easiest type of cancer to treat. Which is why my chemo is four treatments instead of 6 or more if it was the other kinds. I also have to lose about 50 lbs in belly fat. It's a big source of estrogen too.