Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Coming When Called

This morning, I stepped into the brisk morning air to call in our pomeranian "Leia".  This is her...3 legged and one eye, she is a tail and ear away from being named "Lucky".  Because she has a tendency to hurt herself, we limit her outdoor time.

This summer I noticed a tendency she developed to ignore me.  At least that's how it felt to me.  I can stand on my deck, hollering, dancing, calling, and whistling and I get no response.  But when I step onto the patio and into her line of sight, her little tail begins to beat it's furious rhythm.  Her 3 tiny legs churn in her haste to get to my side.  I walk to the door and hold it open as she rockets inside.

It amuses me.

It also irritates me a tad as it requires me to step out of the shelter of my deck to get her attention.  I'm sure there's a lesson for me in that somewhere.

This morning as she rocketed into the house before me, the prompting from the O Most High stopped me in my tracks.

"You're just like her you know."

I must admit I rolled my eyes just a bit but the divine word still came.  "I've told you I'm here, that I'm always here.  Yet you don't believe Me unless I step out so you can see Me."

Ouch.  Jesus told us in Matthew 28:20 that HE was with us always as we went through our lives for Him.  But it's correct that many times I fret and fuss that I can't SEE Him, because I can't FEEL Him.  So that must mean He is not there.  I pray and beg Him to show Himself to me.

While I believe it goes against the nature and character of God to get impatient with me and want to thump me on the head, I can at least imagine that He like me...gets tired of always having to SHOW me He is there before I listen for His voice.  That I must see Him when He calls before I will move toward Him.

I sit here honored that He met with me and spoke to remind me "I am with you always, to the end of the age."

I must work on moving to Him when He calls.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Pink Ribbons ~ The First Visit with a Plastic Surgeon

This is a copy from my journal dated October 2010 while I was going through treatment for breast cancer.  I opened the journal to share with others who are going through treatment or have loved ones doing so.  It is not current events and it does not substitute for medical doctors.

Tuesday morning, my birthday - was difficult.
  I was getting dressed, putting on makeup to give me the confidence to speak to a plastic surgeon. Let me tell you that is intimidating...knowing how often they look at perfect bodies. In the process I found that sometime between Sunday and Tuesday I had lost nearly all the eyelashes on my right eye. It stinks! I can draw a fake eyebrow but I still have eyebrows. They are lighter but quite adequate. 

But the lashes...I have like 10 lashes total left. The left eye has lashes missing in spots.  There are blank spots but when I add mascara you see the blank areas very clearly. Ever tried to put mascara on one eyelash? It doesn't happen. It was deflating. I felt like everyone at the hospital was looking at me and wondering “what is wrong with her eye!”

We loved Dr. Puckett.  I had been told by some of his patients they loved him.  Then others told me was kind of serious and reserved.  Totally not that way with me.  The resident noted it was my birthday and told me it was also Dr. Puckett’s birthday.  He came in and I sang Happy Birthday to him, and told him it was mine too.  In seconds, we were laughing, joking with each other and I thought he was pretty spectacular. 

His resident was very good too, so cute and that was awful. Picture a cute man picking up your boob cupping it and lifting it up to wherever it should sit. (Apparently laying across the tummy isn't the desired position.) lmbo But it was uncomfortable to have a Matthew McConaughey lookalike playing with your boobs with icy hands. Of course the girls perked up...the betrayers. I told him his hands were freezing – like this was the reason! He agreed it was cold thank goodness.

He was clear. He explained Dr. Puckett does the surgery I want - implants. He went over the other options tummy flaps, back flaps...I told him I wasn't interested for a couple reasons. It was a much more painful recovery and longer. You have to be in ICU for 2 days to make sure the flaps blood supply stay intact.  But also I said I have to lose weight again to lose more estrogen in my belly. And I lost boob bulk from losing 70 lbs. I don’t want to do those surgeries and lose my new boobs in fat loss. He agreed that could certainly happen.

The other reason...I have gone through pain, nausea, vomiting and the two - three surgeries.  I want, no I DESERVE perky boobs as my reward for getting through this.  The resident’s name was Dr. Daniel. He tried to not chuckle but I told him he could. So he did and he told me that it was just as valid as any other reasons.

So what happens is during the reconstruction, they place the spacers behind the muscle walls. Then they inflate the spacer with a small port (I will have so many freaking ports in my body.) using saline at that point.

I want a c cup at finish. So every week they will pump up the saline a bit more until I get to a c cup. Then we wait for 4 months… FOUR months. You decide in that time if you like the size...are they placed well. Are they symmetrical? And your body takes the time to adapt to the change in anatomy. After the FOUR months, you go in an outpatient surgery to have the spacers pulled out and silicon implants are replaced. Then after you recover it sounds like you are done. That was the good.

Now the not so good.

I had one lymph node biopsied and it was positive. I don’t understand the roll of chemo if not to kill cancer cells. So isn't it feasible that since it was only a few cells that chemo could have eaten the whole cluster? I know you aren't qualified to answer.

So I learned that at my surgery they will most likely do an axillary dissection and send the whole section of lymph nodes off to be checked. It will take 5 days to get the results from the pathology. What the plastic surgeon prefers to do is to NOT to do immediate reconstruction at that time.

For the BEST results he wants to wait and get the axillary lymph results. If I don’t need radiation then we would schedule a new surgery about 8 weeks later to start the reconstruction. :( However under that same plan...with no tissue stretcher in place, if I do need radiation, he will not touch me until I am a YEAR post radiation!!!!! I held it together there but I was dying inside. They don’t have experience with my oncologist or surgery doctors.  Dr Puckett is an University physician so he’s only used to University doctors.
I asked about going ahead and placing the expanders.  Going ahead and doing a little expansion to give me Something for my clothes. He said we could do that. But he said often the radiologist will request they be removed for radiation. :(( sigh 

He said there was also the concern of how my skin would react to radiation. It could get hard and encapsulate the expander, making further expansion difficult. If he places the expander, he can pump me up a bit, let me do radiation. But I would still have to wait an entire YEAR for the final expansions and implant surgery AFTER the four month settling time. He said there was the risk I could wind up with a hard gnarly boob...not the best results.

So I talked it over with Kel. He is the only one besides doctors and nurses who see my boobs..although right now that seems like a few hundred people. My final desire is to wear pretty bras and look normal in clothes. If I have a hard gnarly boob...undressed won’t bother me.  So K and I decided that we were okay with the less than the plastic surgeon’s ideal results.

So I called Dr. Bryer, the radiation oncologist. HE said he has never had to ask for a spacer to be removed to complete radiation. He's never asked someone to go for wait for reconstruction. I asked about encapsulation. (An inflexible pocket around the expander or implant). He told me there is the occasional issue but to keep in mind women who do not have radiation also have had the complication. It was up to DNA and skin type. IF I had to have radiation it would be the arm pit and skin, not deep into tissue like with a lumpectomy.

So it is crucial that I not have radiation. Please pray with me it will not be needed. However we have decided that I have will have the reconstruction and expanders placed. I will believe in faith that radiation won't be required. If it’s God's plan to me to have it anyway...well I will have a little boobies made of saline for an entire freakin’ year before I get the real thing. But it will be something!

I read a case of a woman who had not done a reconstruction. I don't know why. But she was extremely anal about being seen without her "boobs" on. One night while on a business trip the fire alarm went off at her motel. She threw on her clothes and ran out to the parking lot. She looked around and everyone else was in pjs and robes. She realized it had been more important to be seen with her boobs than dying in a fire. She then got a reconstruction.

I told K I didn't need perfect looking boobs. I just needed to feel womanly in a bra and in a dress. Mom goes without her boobs at home. But if she knows company is coming she’s hitting the bedroom to put them on. I don't want to have to think about them that much.  
So I have all that to think about.

The day got worse when we got home.  Our sweet, old Pomeranian Bandit was in respiratory distress.  He had been struggling for 2 years, having the occasional seizure that was awful to see.  He had been on prednisone for serious skin allergies over the years and we knew that would shorten his life.  He was a pretty special, our pomeranian we had him since he was 8 weeks old. He died that very night.  Yes, the night of my birthday.  I don’t know if we will ever celebrate anything again. That was wretched.  He died in hubby's arms.  

We didn't know he was that close to death, but knew he was not doing well.  We made arrangements for the vet to put him down and then Bandit acted a little perkier so we thought maybe we made a hasty decision.  But he quickly decompensated and died before the vet could arrive.  It was awful to watch, and Bandit was more hubby's personal companion than mine....he sobbed.  I cried and I'm sad, but his heart broke.

It’s been such an awful week. I'm weepy and sad. It doesn't take much to get me crying. My sister sent me a picture mail of mom sitting up in her hospital bed and grinning. Yep I lost it!

Sally - well that's really crappy about the lymph nodes....that’s scary.   Praying you don't need radiation.    I saw this today and thought this might give you a laugh.  Boob hats for breast cancer awareness.

Rosey - that is crazy. I have thought about baking boob cakes when I can get back to ladies bible study. Wonder how they'd like wearing boob hats too. lol 

Tricia - Continuing to pray about the things you stated...and I just have to tell you, the part about the eyelashes really got to me.  I'm so sorry for you about that.  There are hats and wigs and things for our heads, but eyelashes?  That's just not right. Just my opinion. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Pink Ribbons ~ Last Chemo Treatment – Holler!

**This is a Pink Ribbons post... In 2010 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Pink Ribbons are my journal entries from that time frame.  I have to honestly say that this entry has taken a few weeks to complete.  The memories from this time are painful, even though it features the last chemo dose.  These are not current events, this journal entry is from October 2010.**

However right now everyone who reads this must assume the position....nose tipped up in the air...arms and side while hands flap up and down.

Now stomp around. Do the SNOOPY dance.

IT’S THE LAST CHEMO!!!! I am hooked up right now and the premed is going in!

Firmbeliever - Praise God for whom all blessings flow! Oh Tina. I am glad that you can have a blessing out of this week. I have been praying for you. ((((((((Tina)))))))

Danica - I will do the snoopy dance in your honor~ thankful you are done with this part...praying your after isn't as intense this time.   (((rosey)))   love you,  danica

My joy over this last treatment is dampened by news about mom. *sadness* She had her surgery 2 days ago.  I was so happy when she got out of recovery and I got to talk to her on the phone.  Last night she was moved to the ICU. They believe she is doing something called “Third Spacing.” It happens when blood vessels have thin weak walls and they leak fluids into spaces like the peritoneum, lungs, or brain. So far it’s leaking into the peritoneum so she's not peeing. All her excess fluid is flooding into her belly.

She runs fevers nearly daily but now suddenly the nurses are concerned. So they are tapping her belly and then they will culture the fluid to see if it grows. They are convinced that's what the fever is from.

Her doctor took 6 liters about two weeks ago. If they do it again my sister Bug, is concerned what shock it might cause. That's equal to 3 - 2 lt bottles and one half. I don't mean to talk down to anyone. I had someone ask “How much is 6 liters?” so she could picture it. I'm not physically able to drive out and hang around the hospital. But my heart is so heavy. I do know if the doctor says call the family in...we will make the trip. 

Mom will stay in the ICU. Her bp was 65/35 and they freaked out. But we girls suspect that her bp has been dropping low for several weeks. She had fallen several times at home, that led her to using a walker. A low BP would explain her falling.

So today, I was spreading sunshine at the chemo suite because I was so darn happy to be done today! I taught a new cancer diagnosis getting her first chemo how to do a head wrap with a scarf. It was good to help someone else at the beginning of this. Because of my nausea in the last couple infusions, I had to fill a script for nausea. It cost $400 but it was to stop my vomiting so it was worth every penny. It was one of those hidden costs in cancer treatment. Insurance will cover it eventually. The only pharmacy in town open overnight was a non-provider. So they will reimburse 80%. But I have no nausea today!

I'm so emotional. Talking to Mom made me cry. I cry over the least thing...Bug’s cards. Losing our Bandit, Leia have her eye trauma and then losing her eye. I listened to our worship team cd when mom came out of surgery the other day and I wept for an hour. 

When my infusion was over this morning, I stepped out the cancer center and burst out crying. I stepped into the sunshine, took a deep breath and tears filled my eyes. I couldn't control them. They just fell. Mr. Rosey took my hand, held it and kissed it. That just made me cry harder.

I couldn't really define why other than from relief of knowing all this chemical caused pain would be ending. So I spoke to mom when I got home and she got teary telling me that this was all wrong. I was her baby and she needed to be mothering me. That she should be celebrating my last chemo and not in the ICU. What could I say? So I cried some more. 

Maryland Crab - I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with your own stuff let alone dealing with your mom. But yippeeeyaaahoooie on this was the last treatment! I have a feeling everything else will just fall in place. I have a sneaking suspicion if you are a little patient, it will work out.

Let us know how your mom is doing, I'll be praying for her, and for you to fly through this with minimal "aftershocks".

Abeybabymama - I'm sorry to hear what your mom is going through. I hope that they are able to make her comfortable. Tina, I am so sorry you have all of this going on at once. But I am doing the snoopy dance for the end of your chemo. I understand what a relief that is. My mom has been feeling a little of the with the repreive she is getting these couple of months until she returns from Israel. (((Tina)))

Paula - I hope you can see the little Snoopy dancing! I'm so sorry to hear about all that's been going on. I pray for you whenever you cross my mind. I hope and pray that you will now be able to feel better and at least not have the anxiety of worrying about another chemo treatment. I wish I was a millionaire and could cover your expenses during this rough time, but I know that God is in control.

Continued prayers...

Tracy - I'm so glad you were able to pass along something you've learned to someone new to the chemo. YAY that today was the last one!! I'm so sorry about your mom. That has to be hard to deal with all of your health issues, plus what your mom is going through