Pink Ribbons ~ The First Visit with a Plastic Surgeon

This is a copy from my journal dated October 2010 while I was going through treatment for breast cancer.  I opened the journal to share with others who are going through treatment or have loved ones doing so.  It is not current events and it does not substitute for medical doctors.

Tuesday morning, my birthday - was difficult.  I was getting dressed, putting on makeup to give me the confidence to speak to a plastic surgeon. Let me tell you that is intimidating...knowing how often they look at perfect bodies. In the process I found that sometime between Sunday and Tuesday I had lost nearly all the eyelashes on my right eye. It stinks! I can draw a fake eyebrow but I still have eyebrows. They are lighter but quite adequate. 

But the lashes...I have like 10 lashes total left. The left eye has lashes missing in spots.  There are blank spots but when I add mascara you see the blank areas very clearly. Ever tried to put mascara on one eyelash? It doesn't happen. It was deflating. I felt like everyone at the hospital was looking at me and wondering “what is wrong with her eye!”

We loved Dr. Puckett.  I had been told by some of his patients they loved him.  Then others told me was kind of serious and reserved.  Totally not that way with me.  The resident noted it was my birthday and told me it was also Dr. Puckett’s birthday.  He came in and I sang Happy Birthday to him, and told him it was mine too.  In seconds, we were laughing, joking with each other and I thought he was pretty spectacular. 

His resident was very good too, so cute and that was awful. Picture a cute man picking up your boob cupping it and lifting it up to wherever it should sit. (Apparently laying across the tummy isn't the desired position.) lmbo But it was uncomfortable to have a Matthew McConaughey lookalike playing with your boobs with icy hands. Of course the girls perked up...the betrayers. I told him his hands were freezing – like this was the reason! He agreed it was cold thank goodness.

He was clear. He explained Dr. Puckett does the surgery I want - implants. He went over the other options tummy flaps, back flaps...I told him I wasn't interested for a couple reasons. It was a much more painful recovery and longer. You have to be in ICU for 2 days to make sure the flaps blood supply stay intact.  But also I said I have to lose weight again to lose more estrogen in my belly. And I lost boob bulk from losing 70 lbs. I don’t want to do those surgeries and lose my new boobs in fat loss. He agreed that could certainly happen.

The other reason...I have gone through pain, nausea, vomiting and the two - three surgeries.  I want, no I DESERVE perky boobs as my reward for getting through this.  The resident’s name was Dr. Daniel. He tried to not chuckle but I told him he could. So he did and he told me that it was just as valid as any other reasons.

So what happens is during the reconstruction, they place the spacers behind the muscle walls. Then they inflate the spacer with a small port (I will have so many freaking ports in my body.) using saline at that point.

I want a c cup at finish. So every week they will pump up the saline a bit more until I get to a c cup. Then we wait for 4 months… FOUR months. You decide in that time if you like the size...are they placed well. Are they symmetrical? And your body takes the time to adapt to the change in anatomy. After the FOUR months, you go in an outpatient surgery to have the spacers pulled out and silicon implants are replaced. Then after you recover it sounds like you are done. That was the good.

Now the not so good. I had one lymph node biopsied and it was positive. I don’t understand the roll of chemo if not to kill cancer cells. So isn't it feasible that since it was only a few cells that chemo could have eaten the whole cluster? I know you aren't qualified to answer.

So I learned that at my surgery they will most likely do an axillary dissection and send the whole section of lymph nodes off to be checked. It will take 5 days to get the results from the pathology. What the plastic surgeon prefers to do is to NOT to do immediate reconstruction at that time. For the BEST results he wants to wait and get the axillary lymph results. If I don’t need radiation then we would schedule a new surgery about 8 weeks later to start the reconstruction. :( However under that same plan...with no tissue stretcher in place, if I do need radiation, he will not touch me until I am a YEAR post radiation!!!!! I held it together there but I was dying inside. They don’t have experience with my oncologist or surgery doctors.  Dr Puckett is an University physician so he’s only used to University doctors. I asked about going ahead and placing the expanders.  Going ahead and doing a little expansion to give me Something for my clothes. He said we could do that. But he said often the radiologist will request they be removed for radiation. :(( sigh  He said there was also the concern of how my skin would react to radiation. It could get hard and encapsulate the expander, making further expansion difficult. If he places the expander, he can pump me up a bit, let me do radiation. But I would still have to wait an entire YEAR for the final expansions and implant surgery AFTER the four month settling time. He said there was the risk I could wind up with a hard gnarly boob...not the best results. So I talked it over with Kel. He is the only one besides doctors and nurses who see my boobs..although right now that seems like a few hundred people. My final desire is to wear pretty bras and look normal in clothes. If I have a hard gnarly boob...undressed won’t bother me.  So K and I decided that we were okay with the less than the plastic surgeon’s ideal results. So I called Dr. Bryer, the radiation oncologist. HE said he has never had to ask for a spacer to be removed to complete radiation. He's never asked someone to go for wait for reconstruction. I asked about encapsulation. (An inflexible pocket around the expander or implant). He told me there is the occasional issue but to keep in mind women who do not have radiation also have had the complication. It was up to DNA and skin type. IF I had to have radiation it would be the arm pit and skin, not deep into tissue like with a lumpectomy. So it is crucial that I not have radiation. Please pray with me it will not be needed. However we have decided that I have will have the reconstruction and expanders placed. I will believe in faith that radiation won't be required. If it’s God's plan to me to have it anyway...well I will have a little boobies made of saline for an entire freakin’ year before I get the real thing. But it will be something! I read a case of a woman who had not done a reconstruction. I don't know why. But she was extremely anal about being seen without her "boobs" on. One night while on a business trip the fire alarm went off at her motel. She threw on her clothes and ran out to the parking lot. She looked around and everyone else was in pjs and robes. She realized it had been more important to be seen with her boobs than dying in a fire. She then got a reconstruction. I told K I didn't need perfect looking boobs. I just needed to feel womanly in a bra and in a dress. Mom goes without her boobs at home. But if she knows company is coming she’s hitting the bedroom to put them on. I don't want to have to think about them that much.   So I have all that to think about. The day got worse when we got home.  Our sweet, old Pomeranian Bandit was in respiratory distress.  He had been struggling for 2 years, having the occasional seizure that was awful to see.  He had been on prednisone for serious skin allergies over the years and we knew that would shorten his life.  He was a pretty special, our pomeranian we had him since he was 8 weeks old. He died that very night.  Yes, the night of my birthday.  I don’t know if we will ever celebrate anything again. That was wretched.  He died in hubby's arms.   We didn't know he was that close to death, but knew he was not doing well.  We made arrangements for the vet to put him down and then Bandit acted a little perkier so we thought maybe we made a hasty decision.  But he quickly decompensated and died before the vet could arrive.  It was awful to watch, and Bandit was more hubby's personal companion than mine....he sobbed.  I cried and I'm sad, but his heart broke. It’s been such an awful week. I'm weepy and sad. It doesn't take much to get me crying. My sister sent me a picture mail of mom sitting up in her hospital bed and grinning. Yep I lost it!

Sally - well that's really crappy about the lymph nodes....that’s scary.   Praying you don't need radiation.    I saw this today and thought this might give you a laugh.  Boob hats for breast cancer awareness.

Rosey - that is crazy. I have thought about baking boob cakes when I can get back to ladies bible study. Wonder how they'd like wearing boob hats too. lol 

Tricia - Continuing to pray about the things you stated...and I just have to tell you, the part about the eyelashes really got to me.  I'm so sorry for you about that.  There are hats and wigs and things for our heads, but eyelashes?  That's just not right. Just my opinion. 

Pink Ribbons - The Port-a-Cath Surgery

Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Wed.  I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries.  I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer.  At the end of the post, you will find the links of the previous posts from the most recent first and going back.  These are not current events.  This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.

August 12, 2010

I don't know whose bright idea it was to schedule a doctor visit with the radiologist the morning after surgery. I'm okay just really sore and not wanting to move. The port is in that hollow between your collar bone and shoulder in my left side. I told the nurse it felt like a bad sprain. But before I got home I decided it felt like a bullet hole! My arm has limits in what it will do without making that muscle seize up. They gave me Vicodin for pain. I just don't like it. I don't know why it has such a high street value.  It has never helped my pain.  It does make me sleepy though.

Mr. Rosey stopped to get it at the pharmacy and she quotes him a total of $153 and he started sputtering "the copay for vicodin is $10!"

She told him, they had 12 medications for me to pick up. Apparently Doctors had been faxing in scripts for chemo care, diabetes plus pain meds. The pharmacy tech got rather snarky when he told her he was there to pick up the vicodin.  It was the drug I immediately needed.

She questioned him why we bothered having the other meds called in! ergh. He in turn got impatient and rather heatedly said...."Look lady! My wife has breast cancer and she just got home from a surgery. She NEEDS the pain med now. The others can wait until the weekend when I can get back in with the rest of the money for the other meds."

She apologized but Mr. Rosey doesn't know that he won't speak to the pharmacist anyway. He is already feeling like he's operating in crisis mode. He had a really bad morning at work. They probably don't mean to but they really guilt-ed him about leaving for my surgery.

The Port Surgery -  First I don't know why they schedule a person for afternoon surgery and keep them NPO from midnight before! I was dehydrated when they were trying to get blood. *squeezing my eyes shut in a wince* My faithful pumper wouldn't pump. So the nurse called for a phlebotomist that looked like she was still in Jr high. I didn't want to be insulting but when I saw her I knew she'd have trouble. I am a hard stick. I was dehydrated  She was 13 if a day...:) After a bit of digging and twisting she finally quit the spot. She did finally get blood from a tiny vein in the hand....soooo comfortable in the hand you know. It took 10 minutes to fill a tube it was such a tiny vein.

Then my surgeon's associate came in. Dr. Etters - (MY surgeon is away at a conference getting more education. That's always good.) Since he was out of town, his associate Dr. Laks did the surgery. They sent in Doogie Howser! --------------------------->

He was delightful but I had a hard time believing he had graduated high school much less medical school. I was reassured by his whiskers. That was my vantage point...lying on a gurney under that joke of a gown.  I could see the bottom of his chin where he had real man whiskers, not just boy fuzz.

Why do the snaps of a hospital gown NEVER work? 

Seriously how many THOUSANDS of dollars

 are they going to charge for this surgery? 

Yet I was given a gown that had one working snap

 at each shoulder. One near the elbow which did nothing

 to hold it up and the other side about half way down. 

They did provide blessed warm blankets, so regardless I was laying on my back looking at Doogie's chin.  I showed him where I didn't want the port...like under a bra strap. I had written all over my chest where my bra lines were..where the seat belt lines where. I had a hay day with markers.  Kind of like a kindergartner with the permission to write all over with markers?

He was amused by my artwork and said he would try to keep the port away from my lines. But warned the port often chose where it sat. He wound up backing it up to the line over the L girlie. But I didn't tell him I made the marks using my widest strap bra. So when I put my normal bras on....the straps sit well away from the port.

So Mr. Anesthesiologist comes in. Not so young but looked mid 30's. Still young but not "Doogie" young. He looked fresh off the farm. He was in scrubs, but his appearance screamed BUMPKIN!  I'm referring to the OZARK "look out the revenuer is acomin' backwoods bumpkin".   I'm related to a WHOLE bunch of them. 

He walked up, introduced himself.  But he asked the question that I have come to detest.

 "How are you Mrs. Rosey?" 

Now how am I supposed to answer that? No one really wants to hear the truth. Well, I'm scared and really mad. This is scary stuff and you ask me how am feeling?

I told him I was dehydrated and not a good stick on a good day so he gave me one of those "I'm the doctor" smirks. But he poked my elbow veins and missed.  Then he went to the inside of the wrist. Yowza! It kept stopping and they would call him back. He finally taped it to my arm and tied my hand and arm down to a board.  Then he took a black marker and wrote across the tapes - Do NOT disturb!


The surgery was only about 20 minutes so I didn't have to be put totally under anesthesia. They used Versed and Propofol...the Micheal Jackson drug. Seriously. I was chatting with the nurse who was scrubbing and draping me....and then I was waking up while riding down a hallway.   I didn't have any of weird anesthesia feeling. It was pop!  I'm awake and talking. "Where are we going? To recovery? Did they cancel the surgery? No...its over?"   Seriously and I laid back and said, "Dude...if this is what feeling drunk is like, I wanna go home and try it!" They cracked up! I was feeling no pain.

I was turned over to a nurse in Recovery.  I asked her how long I had to stay there cuz frankly I was ready to go. "Well you have to drink something and keep it down.  Then you have to walk without fainting." I did all those things so she helped me dress.  Then they gave me a Vicodin and an ice pack and sent me on my way.


My sisters showed up only 30 minutes before I had to leave for the surgery. They all came in wearing head scarves that they planned to leave with me. Mom kept wearing  hers. It was nice to see my mom. I think she wanted to come for this surgery because she doesn't think she will make the big one this winter. :(  She came into pre-op to sit with me.  It seemed like she wanted to stay close to me.  I hate that I'm putting her through this while she's dying of liver failure.

For some reason I had this visceral gut type response to seeing them all wearing chemo scarves or hats.  Not sure what that was about on my part.  I know they weren't making fun and they were being supportive.  So I don't know why it was such a kick in the shorts for me.

I made a mistake in judgement.  The surgery was short and I guess momma wanted to spend more time with me.  She asked if she could take me to dinner.  Mr. Rosey had to get on home to start HIS infusion.  So we all piled into her van and went to Olive Garden.  While I was sitting there... anesthesia started wearing off and the entire left side of my body started humming in pain.  I just wanted to go home and they were having a good time with dinner.  sigh.

By the time I got home, I was wiped out and just wanted to cry from the exhaustion and pain.  Mom and the sisters sat around chatting,  while the nurses made themselves scarce.  A new nurse - who looks all of 22 years old will be taking over Mr. Rosey's care.  What is going on with all these doctors and nurses looking like they should be earning their scouting badges?  I felt like I had to sit up while the new nurse was here when more than anything I just wanted to go to bed.  Oh well.  I survived it.

We learned my insurance does not cover a shower chair. Do you believe they called it a luxury item? WOW!!  I would challenge them to have chemo and/or radiation and then call the chair a luxury.

I have loved the texts from all you WOW friends. KJ gets all weepy at some of them. He's just like... most of these people have no clue whether you really have cancer. He says, "You could be scamming the whole lot of them." he he he....  That's right.  I have been setting this up for the last 10 years.

Sunday - our weekend nurse came in bringing a shower chair.  An NICE shower chair with a soap holder and a place to hang a towel.  I had asked if I gave her the cash, if she would pick me up a shower seat from her pharmacy?  Well she just walked in with this nice seat and said it was her "contribution" to my care.  How sweet is that?

I've Lost My Pucketts, Meet the Foobies - Graphic Estrogen content

This was me the morning of my exchange surgery.  Well Actually I was a little more sassy than that.

The pink ribbon emblem show to the left is a place marker.  It does nothing but sit where I would have put a photo.  When finding that google was showing my reconstruction photos along with all the photos of my family, myself and friends, I took the reconstruction photos off the blog.  I don't have any problem with friends who are curious or women searching for breast cancer stories.  I have put the photos off site and every time you see the pink ribbon with a link below, click the LINK and it will take you to that photo.  I hope this clears up any confusion.  It's less convenient, but it's google.  If you right click the link, you can open the photo in a new tab and not lose your place here.  :)



My pucketts (TE) had been expanded to 750 ccs of saline but the right one kept leaking.  The decision was made to hasten to the implant exchange to July 5th.  The longer the TE was left unexpanded the pocket would begin to shrink.  Even after they took it out, I was told, "it was definately deflated but we couldn't tell why."  So because you need the pressure of the Tissue Expander to keep that pocket or capsule stretched out, they scheduled me for surgery.  So there I was.

I arrived at surgery center for my 2nd stage Breast reconstruction otherwise known as the "Exchange" surgery.

To see photo, click and use rosey2012 if asked
This was the last view of the pucketts, 
may they rest in pieces .  The cleavage was
cool while it lasted.

.
Took 3 sticks to start the IV.  Yeah, for lidacaine!  They believed me when I said, hard stick - shy veins.

To see photo, click and use rosey2012 if asked
This is the bilateral view of the TE on
5/3/2012  The tapes and bandaids
are from the expansion to 750 cc

To see photo, click and enter rosey2012 if asked
Dr. Puckett went a little nuts with
the black marker.  The spiderwebs?
not sure I want to know.

I found out what doctors do when they have to poop during surgery.  He first said "we just do it".  And I was like "Whoooaaaa, that has to break the sterile environment!"  Before I blurted that, he continued that they run out, take care of business, have to scrub back in and pick it up where they left.  He said they try to take care of that kind of thing between surgeries because anesthesiologist get really cranky when they are left in sole charge of a patient.  The wienies.

There was a BIG hoopla because I'm supposed to be allergic to Keflex.  Because the IV took so long, they were rushing to get all the other presurgery stuff done.  Someone hung Kflex.  uh oh.  Nurse noticed it was running.  She stopped it and they were rushing around to find out what ELSE to give me.

I get to the OR and I'm surrounded by rushing women who seem more like chickens than nurses, surgical techs or nurse anesthesists.  I was given happy juice which was fun.  I made the ceiling tiles spin.  I looked at the Nurse Anesthetists and asked "What antibiotic am I getting?"  She answered "I don't know yet" and then put me to sleep.  I did find out yesterday I was given IV antibiotics in surgery.

For you who are curious about the surgery and have the scientific nature to watch, I found a very well done video that shows a reconstruction from TE to implant.  I wanted to imbed it but the opening video image was too graphic for those who cannot watch surgical procedures.  Be aware this link is actual surgery done, not simulation or computerized.  Woman's Exchange Surgery from TE to Implant

The first thing I noted upon waking up was the strange sensation of little pain.  Wasn't expecting THAT!  They buzzed around while I tried to get my eyeballs to point in the same direction.  I told them I will recover faster if you allow my husband back her to keep me focused and talking.  They rushed out to get him.

He came back and while I was uncomfortable, it was like 5 on the scale using the pain I awoke with from the Bilateral Mastectomy with 1st stage reconstruction.  THAT was my 10.  They gave me some IV medication of morphine.  Rosey was in good hands.

Yep.  That's me on Morphine.  My new foobies are under all that ace wrap.  It seemed promising under all that wrap.







I was sent home with a list of scripts on of them for Keflex as we discovered at the pharmacy by my husband.  I was given really GOOD drugs.  By 8 pm I had finished with a meal and was feeling beat and for bed.  I took a Dilaudid for sleep because I wanted to not move the new foobies.  Not one way or the other.  I never knew how Dilaudid would affect me, never having it before.  It was the first drug EVER that I felt.

I have been given fentanyl - my pain laughed at it.  One nurse told me after a different surgery that I had been given enough pain fentenayl to put down a horse.  I snarled at her, "Well this HORSE is still kicking.  Find. Something. Else"  She got me Morphine.

Morphine makes me sleepy.  A little goofy if you ask Mr. Rosey, but to tell the truth, I'm not all that impressed with it either.  I could have eaten Darvocet as a cereal and it never budged any pain.  It's taken off the market.  It was a bad drug anyway.  Tramadol makes me sleepy and throw up.  Not a good combination.  I don't know if could take pain away.  I always HAD the pain until I threw up.  Vicodin that people loooove on the black market.  Does not a thing for my pain.

Demorol together with valium finally brought my mastectomy pain within a bearable range, 5 days after the surgery. Percocet can help but not with intense pain.  Having experienced intense pain with the BMX, I was pretty pleased to be so comfortable after the exchange...and I have LONG incisions.

Thurs night.  I took the Dilaudid and before I closed the computer, everyone within my facebook family knew it was affecting me as well.  It became the topic of much humor at my expense.  What I wrote looked something like this....

hi my loves,I lo ed all the pink lips. Yrs, i am ighgh. i can't get the keyboard ro worj right. I habe no diea what the foobies, look liiiiiiiiiiiiiiik. i am wrpaped like nnlike a mimmy...mummy. In wading up i coulf tell immediatlu that thia ws mcuh easier. i did not waked up skeaming. just hurting, insision pain .........

To interpret the above, I wrote, Hi my loves.  I loved all the pink lips.  Yes, I am high.  I can't get the keyboard to work right.  I have no idea what the foobies look like.  I am wrapped like a mummy.  In waking up, I could tell immediately that this was much easier.  I did not wake up screaming.  Just hurting, incision pain...and there was a lot more but this gives you an idea.  I was NOT feeling pain at that point.  Now I finally know what I need after surgery.  I am like my father.  It was hard to get pain meds to work for him too.  We must have some kind of internal resistance.

Friday I went to the clinic and had the giant ace wrap taken off.  I looked down at the new foobies and was pretty discouraged.  Not what I was expecting.  The bottom of the photo was taken at my neck, pointing down if you need orientation.  I was expecting bodacious cleavage, and coconut shell foobies.

To see the photo, click THIS link and use rosey2012 if asked
This was my view of the cleavage looking down my chest.
To say I was discouraged by the sight would be
an understatement.  I felt as if I had gone through
all the pain for PANCAKES?

I have two big round sets of 2 stacked pancakes.  Big and round but they barely project off the chest.  In a dress, I am flat chested.  I was discouraged and felt defeated that night.  I am told by others who have gone there, that I am expecting too much too soon.  That I have to wait for the foobies to "drop and fluff".  No idea what that means,  But I know that I could find no one on the internet that ever showed me what their implants looked like the next day, or a even weekly progression.  There's always a before and an after which is well after the healing is complete.  I plan to take weekly photos.

To see the photo, click this link and use rosey2012 is asked
Nice Bilateral view of the implants from
underneath?  lol  I was nicely drugged at this point.

I took this photo and for the life of me, I can not figure out how I took it. It looks like I held the camera low and shot upward.

To see photo, click this link and use rosey2012 is asked
View of the left incision and missing chicken skin.

I was curious about the long scar on the left side.  Then I recalled him telling me he planned to remove my "chicken skin".  The long scar reached back to the chicken skin area, so he could pull up that loose skin and get rid of it.  I'll trade you a scar for chicken skin.







Sat. I had lunch in town and was looking for a baby gift at Samsclub.  I thought I could handle it as I felt pretty good.  It was hot there, crowded and people were rude.  I couldn't reach the baby clothes.  I was feeling nauseous.  I'm hunting for Mr. Rosey when a sea of breast rolled over me.  Technically, it was a group of 12 - 20 college girls. They walked toward me down the aisle and then split to walk on either side of me.  All of them wearing tube tops, spaghetti straps, halter tops with headlights pointing various directions, different sizes and shapes.  Sitting in a motor cart, my head was breast level so it felt like a sea of breasts.  All of them braless and I was overwhelmed.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to shout at them,

You don't know how lucky you are to have breasts that you don't have to think about!

Yes, I am a bit breast obsessed right now.  Now. Let me tell you there is a very powerful emotional impact to seeing your reconstructed breast.  I was not prepared for that.. I have found myself looking at breasts, wondering what the bra size for THOSE are, and what is real, padded, propped, and foobie like mine.  I found Mr. Rosey and we went home.  

I'm frustrated because Mr. Rosey doesn't understand how I am feeling and can't understand that he can't fix it. I tried to tell him, I want him to be quiet, say I understand, cluck a time or two, and feed me some chocolate! I'll try to explain this to you. You go into reconstruction, hoping when it's all over, you will feel normal, look normal and feel pretty in a dress. They take the dressings off and you are hit with a big "THAT'S NOT NORMAL!" It's a very low point. Even if what you are seeing IS normal for the day after the surgery, it's the in your face reality that you are never going to be "normal". All you can achieve is to look your best. So this takes a few days to digest and I'm still reeling from this reality.  I think all reconstructed women need to know this ahead of time.

In the meantime, it's summer and every where I look I see breasts. Nearly exposed BREASTS. I found that I saw older women with boobs that obviously needed a stronger bra, and I was still jealous because I will never even experience that. You know my paternal grandmother died about 3 years ago. We used to joke about her boobs...she never wore a bra. She literally had to move the sag bag to wipe her heiney. (please note, I'm smiling in affectionate memory, not in sarcasm or criticism) To my knowledge she never had a mammogram and still did not die of breast cancer. Her old breasts served her well.

I am grateful that medical technology, Dr's skills and science has progressed to the point that women have the OPTION to reconstruct a breast. Our predecessors were hideously scarred and nothing was EVER done to even make the scars easier to look at. My 3rd grade teacher had to have a breast removed. I saw her at the city pools years later. In her suit, her right side looked as if acid had been poured on her. In those days, they removed the breast, and a good portion of muscle as well. Her body was left with a mess of twisting scars that were scary to see. A woman today can choose to remove her breasts and not reconstruct. She is left with a clean line where her breasts used to sit.

But I am still having to face that I have been treated for breast cancer. It was a HARD thing to do. Despite having a reconstructed breast, I'm not sure right now that I will ever feel normal. I'm not sure I will confident. On the street, I do not think people are going to point and me and say "she's not normal", but they will look at me and think...she sure is flat chested or she's had a mastectomy. I know. Because I did.  Maybe because mine started growing at 9 years of age, I have always been breast obsessed.   Over the years, I compared mine to ones I saw. Not in critical manners (not usually, unless they were UNCOVERED). I would note, nice pair, or she needs a different bra, a little on the saggy side and sometimes those women who have reached the age where the girls started sliding down hill, but the woman had not reached the age that she knew it was time to DRESS her age. Yeah, those woman.

I told Kel what Dr. Puckett needs and I think I'm brilliant for this...they need a "clinical care counselor." On staff, to meet with breast cancer patients....well actually ALL cancer patients. But someone to sit down with you and tell you about what to expect from the surgery.  Someone who tells you this is how you feel after this  kind of surgery.  This is what you will see when they cut off the bandages...this is a week.  What a women have to deal with is the emotional impact....and all those things that we don't know to question the doctor about.  Someone who will check in with us through the first 3 months after each surgery to make sure we still feel like we're on top if this.  I am told there is still a lot left to do that can make me feel more and more normal.  Apparently I thought it would happen all at once.  It doesn't.

The next observation.  It is hard to shiver with no nipples.  Seriously, your chest shivers and ripples.  With nipples the shivers all head to the nipples and then out the body...creating the famous headlight sensation.  Every woman knows if she shivers, first reaction is to cross her arms across the chest because those shivers much escape through the nipples.

With no nipple, the shivers just race and ripple around your chest, ricochet down the arms and back up.  It's actually fairly miserable.  They are looking for the exit and they are stuck.  So I wound up shivering a lot longer because they had no escape from the body to relieve me.

Now,  a myth buster. It is said you can tell a woman has implants because she she lies down, her boobs still are topside and not slid down to her armpits.

As snopes would say.      *FALSE

FACT: When you lie down with silicone implants, the bleeping things go where ever they want. It can slide down to your pit, one can stay up while the slides down. Regardless, my "implant pockets" are still healing so sitting up is NOT fun. This is a scientific kind of thing and some other home school mom might know the real term for it. This silicone is called "adhesive gel". It feels like cranberry jelly (think of it without the berries please, that would hurt). So I have this sack of cranberry jelly. I COULD cut the gel separate it slightly and it would slowly ooze together and become one piece again. IT would not look it does coming out of the can, but it comes one piece again. That's the kind foobies I have. There's a scientific name for the process but I'm brain fried. So when I lay down, they S l o w l y ooze to the side. And when I get up they s l o w l y ooze back down. It is not at all what I expected. And because of the surgical process and all the stuff he had to cut out, that oozing process hurts. And maybe mine are too big (the implants I mean). But that concrete bra is gone, the hard re-bar and cement baseball pucketts are gone. I'm left with marshmellow that seems to hang where it wants.  There are things to be grateful for.  I have seen the botched constructions of numerous brave and courageous women that you will never get to know.  I belong to a special club, The Cancer Warriors.  The admission cost is way too high and the steps are daunting.  But when you get to the top of that ladder, then you have the fellowship of amazing warrior women like yourself!