Thursday, February 14, 2013

Pink Ribbons ~ Insult to Injury

Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Thursday.  I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries.  I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer.   This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.

These are not current events, events are from Sept. 2010

So I got a call this morning. The caller wanted to know if I would want to go shopping at the outlet mall. She and her step dd were looking for bras.  Okaaayyyyy.....I think not.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

She meant well but it NEVER occurred to her - the irony of asking someone who is getting a mastectomy to go bra shopping.

I have a lot of dizziness and light headedness today. I'm glad I'm seeing the doctor in the morning. You know how you feel when you get up suddenly...that little bit of faintness? Well this is like that but it doesn't clear up. I have to get up in stages.  I move slowly because I found if I turn a corner quickly...The head doesn't stop spinning. I feel like I'm living in a virtual Toms Twister.

People in the public...don't see me.  They look up, see that I'm wearing a hat with no hair showing.  Then they grimace and rush to look away.  I feel hideous to the public.  They have no clue how insecure I feel and how I feel that everyone can tell my head is bald under this hat.  Why can't they comment on my hat rather than dart their eyes away?

Everyone is yammering on about how I need to have a "positive outlook" but yet no one wants to look me in the eyes.  I WILL NOT to this to anyone when I am done with this and see someone else obviously going through chemo!

I hate the pity.  Kindness is one thing, but in public there's a tone that people take.  Oh you poor thing, bless your heart, and I want to SCREAM at them.  Don't pretend you care.

Don't get insulted when you call and ask me if I want to go out for ice cream.  I'm too tired.  It would be okay for you to come visit and BRING me ice cream.  But you don't understand how much effort it now takes me to put on real clothes.  I will wear my slouchies at home, but I'm not going public.  I don't care if you say I can, that it won't bother you.  You don't understand it's NOT about you!

Right now, It's about me!  

It's about my mental wellbeing!  

It's about not letting go of my Diva self...I need to be who I am.  Even if it means I can't get out and be social with you.

Please be understanding when I tell you that no, I can't handle you spending a long weekend with me.  I want to see you so bad, but I can't be a hostess right now.  If you had told me that you wanted to spend some time with me, and do whatever I needed help with...I might have accepted your offer.  But asking if we can "run around and have lunch"?  I can't do that right now and it hurts me to turn you down.

I love that you want to have dinner with me.  But I can't be around children this week...I'm at my lowest immune levels.  I would love for you to visit a few moments...make me a cup of tea.  But don't make me feel like a pig when I have to ask if you come, you have to leave your darling girls home.  I can't have a tea party with them right now.

Don't ask me to take off my hat and show you my head.  I don't care that it's just a bald head.  It hurts me.  It makes me feel self conscious.  It's private to me.  It's personal.  If I don't offer, then please don't ask.  I shouldn't have to defend my decision to keep my scalp under wraps.  And certainly stop turning this into a "spiritual" thing.  I am so sorry, but I am having serious trouble right now being spiritual about this.  Just because you thought your scalp was beautiful and God given doesn't mean I want to flaunt mine.  I am hurting and you hurt me more by your implication that I am not as godly as you because I can't "fully embrace" what I'm going through.  Where is your sensitivity?  Maybe just maybe, it just SUCKS to have to go through this trial!

Sometimes when you're having to fight the battle of your life, it's OKAY to be a little ANGRY about it!  OKAY?

1 comment:

  1. Hi! I nominated you for a Liebster Award and would love for you to participate in the fun!=) Learn more, here: