Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Grossest Story Ever Told

I preface this family story with a warning.  It’s gross.  I mean my dad WON the “gross out” contest with this story of his.  While it made us laugh, the thought still makes me want to gag.


It was a large family reunion.  Uncles, Aunts, cousins they all milled together around the old farmhouse.  It was unusual to have a family gather this large without there being a death and a burial.  But some crazy aunt got a wild hair and thought…Let’s not wait til someone dies ‘afore  we gather to gather.

So it was there, that Russell found great fun playing and chasing after cousins.  They romped and played around the farm, hide and seek, tag, marbles…it was the best fun a 3 year old could have…tagging after his older cousins.

He had to tolerate the tight hugs and squeezes of various aunts as they caught him zipping past the “eatin’ tables”.  One would snag him with the request…”Come ‘ere ya varmint, and give yer aunt Lily  Mae a hug and kiss.”

Russell objected to the wet kisses but one glance at his mom and her frown combined with the eyebrow thing she did told him, he’d best submit to the torture.  Complying shortened the process, and off he was let go to run after another cousin.  Before long he found himself abandoned with only his dog as a companion.  The older kids were tired of “the baby” running behind them.

He was hot, sweaty and reeked of that hot boy in the sun scent.  He was thirsty too, so he wondered up to the eatin’ tables for a cup of the cold well water.

He had climbed up to the bucket, reaching for the ladle when Grandma Ina noticed him and called out…

“Esther, Russ is climbing for some water. “  She called attention to Russell.  “What’s that he’s got dripping off his chin?”

Esther looked over at Russ and saw he indeed had dark juices dripping off his chin.  She grabbed a rag and was proceeding to clean up his face.  “Come here, you scamp!  What’s that you’re chewing on?”

Russell squirmed away from her grasp as he answered “’napes momma”.
Esther glanced around at the women gathered there.  It was early in the summer for grapes to be harvested.  So she asked “Russell, where did you get the grapes.”

Matter of fact, Russell answered, “’Offen da dog”.

Aunt Lily Mae fainted.

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