Tuesday, August 20, 2013

My Abba

I'm quiet in this room as I sit here thinking of my place on this planet.  My purpose for being here and why exist.  Yes.  The big questions...

My relationship with God has always been rocky.  I was raised with the mentality that Jesus was my salvation and God was my punisher.  When trouble surrounded me I tended to blame it on God...thinking it was my punishment.  (Frankly many "Christians" were eager to reinforce the idea.)

My testimony is twofold.

I was to find God was my Abba and He loved me despite all the junk I was taught over the years.

The other testimony is that He sustains me.  He is Big and broad shouldered.  When I ran away, when I pushed Him away, when I was mad and yelling at him...He was still there taking it all.   He did not scream "Blasphemy!!"  He did not crush me under his thumb and condemn me to hell for daring to yell at Him.  Unknown to me, His arms were still wrapped around me, as he rocked and cried with me in my grief.

I have a different view of God now...more like "The weeping Father".  I see Him now with his hands tied somewhat by our sinful natures.  I think he grieves for this fallen world, how corrupt, how diseased our world has become.  I see His arms folded around himself as He sees our pain and disease and the hateful ugliness that so many endure.  He hurts and longs to reach out and fix it.

But this world does not belong to Him.  This is not His dominion.  Yes.  I believe in Miracles.  I believe in Healing.  I even *gasp* believe you might change God's decision *double gasp*.  ( I understand the argument can be made whether God changed His decision or just took His time bringing the ultimate decision)   But I know that in many things, if He was to swoop in and miraculously rescue us, it would stop the forward motion of someone else.

Meaning...our lives are not always about ourselves.

I used to believe that mom and dad got married...they decided to have a baby or in their case, it wasn't really so much of a decision.  They thought I was an "oops".  I thought that my parent's jumped ahead, so God needed to create me.  He figured out how to mix their dna to come up with ...ME.  Then he planned out my life.

But now I think I had that wrong.

Have you seen Louie Giglio's presentation of the planets?  If not, try this one...

I wept through the whole thing when I watched this the first time.  The Great Abba created this Majesty from the beginning.  I pondered this for several days and I began to think outside the box.  I think I had it wrong.

I believe God worked backward.   When He made that decision to create Eve (face it, Adam wasn't going to multiply by himself) He also saw the total finished package down through all time.  And I think perhaps He worked backward.  He created my son, wrote the plan for his life, his purpose and then chose me and my husband to create the life that would be my son.

Then He created me.  He decided WHO I would be.  He wrote my PURPOSE, and he wrote my LIFE.  When sin entered the world, He saw how other lives would intersect with mine and how their bad choices would impact me.  How they would hurt me.  And then He worked in my life...throwing away the things that would not shape me into the woman he designed...keeping those painful things that shaped and refined me.  When those things came to pass, He held on to me, knowing that in time I would understand better.  But right then He cried with me; regretting how this fallen world hurts His beloved.

Then he chose the couple whose DNA he would combine to create me.  It was an accident of passion that brought my life...but God used that to shape who I would become.  My mom was shaped by her parentage. My father by his and all the way back it goes to Adam and to Eve.  God wrote the lives of his children and then refined them. At last, I breathed air and my existence started impacting the people around me.

I don't claim this to be factual, doctrinal or anything other than an intensely holy moment for me and how I feel I came to be.

I believe the day I was born there were THREE anxious people awaiting my arrival.  My mom and dad and my Abba.

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.
Psalm 147: 4 & 5

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