Pink Ribbons ~ Pink Washed

Pink Ribbons is a series of journal entries dated during July 2010 - March 2011.  These are my experiences in that time, shared with you now.  This entry is from October 2010...these are NOT current events.   

Pink Washed....

My third chemo treatment is under the belt and I'm cruising through the month.  I'm preparing to celebrate the 29th anniversary of my 21st birthday.  No lie there.  I'm kind of tickled that someone must have told the NFL that it's my birthday.  They are celebrating it by wearing pink uniforms...all month long.  Just in case you wondered why such manly men are wearing pink.  :)  They are doing it to celebrate my birthday.  Such a momentous birthday SHOULD be celebrated all month long.

That's all fake hair people.  lol

Yes.  I know that this is really all about Breast Cancer Support...the pink ribbons and all.  I go to the stores and everything is awash in pink.  Frankly, I don't need any added awareness...I'm pretty much in the thick of breast cancer awareness right now.  But seeing all the pink makes me feel supported and like everyone is cheering me on.  I have a friend who hates this however.  To her, all the pink is shouting...YOU HAVE CANCER.

I don't know why people see the same things through different lenses.  Another acquaintance told me that she feels physically ill whenever she sees commercials for our cancer center.  But I love the people there.  I'm getting good care, support and they are helping me fight this battle.  I am filled with tenderness when I see reminders of the Missouri Cancer Associates.  My sister called to tell me my oncologist was just voted Doctor of the Year....YAY Dr. Joe!  You deserve it.

We are complex, us humans.

I want to use Dr. Puckett for my plastic surgeon but I will have to think about this.  He has privileges at one hospital and my surgeon at yet another.  Neither have privileges together in the same hospital.  But the other P.S. just don't have good reputations.  How sad.

This is also a challenging month.  Mom has decided to have a surgery that will repair some internal female bits so she will be more comfortable, having a better quality of life.  Her liver doctor has refused to support her decision, saying it will kill her.  She has told each of us...we know she is dying.  Even if she dies in surgery, she is doing this surgery to improve the quality of her life.  I have to respect and accept that.


There's an October chill in the air and this evening I had Mr. Rosey run me out to the local Walmart.  I find I am in need of heavier weight scarves.  I don't know how bald men deal with chilly temps.  Daddy was bald and he RARELY covered his head.  I got cold just in air conditioned rooms and I have to sleep with a lightweight cap or I awake in a bone chilled state.  So I ran out to Walmart.  No one bothered me and I didn't want to pinch the head off anyone.  Mr. Rosey told me the public has seen my facebook posts and I've scared everyone out of the store.  lol

One of the heavier scarves twisted into a headwrap.

My Mr. Rosey has his share of trouble as well.  I'm dealing with bone pain while he's getting his infusion of medications.  His port clotted off and will require a replacement.  So he's having surgery next week. We currently have dueling diagnosis'.  

I'm trying to prepare dinner and my spine started pulsing.  Once you've had bone pain...you don't forget the characteristics of it.  It pulses with the heartbeat but comes in waves like childbirth contractions...they build, peak and the lessen.  I find myself chanting like the "Little Engine That Could" only my chugging chant is "I can do this...I can do this...I can do this."

There's a definite chill in the air this morning.  I sat on the back deck, wrapped in a fleecy blanket sipping a cup of coffee as I basked in the bright sunshine.  Yesterday I took a cake and spent the day with mom.  I was born on her 18th birthday so we shared our birthday cake together.  She looked so frail and so fragile.  I fear it is our last birthday together.  But we had a wonderful visit and she lectured me sternly about listening to my doctors and following their instructions.  It felt good for a bit to let her be mother and I be daughter.  Our birthday is actually tomorrow and then she will have surgery to lift her bladder back into place.  There is great concern that she will not survive the surgery.  My heart is heavy and my spirit is low.  I want to place her in God's hands but fear He will take her away.  Typical I suspect...we claim we pray for God's will and then fear what it will be.  So many people quote Scriptures to me about God's plans and will but don't understand MY idea of what's best may not be HIS idea of what's best and I'm not ready for that yet.

Next day...
Today is my actual birthday and I spend it in a doctor's office this morning.  Mr. Rosey has put a lot of effort to making this birthday a special one.  It turns out I also share a birthday with my plastic surgeon.  I wished HIM a happy birthday and his grin was bright and happy.  I really like him.  Dinner out last night and lunch today...I'm spoiled.

Just hours before Bandit passed away.  

We arrived home to find out long time furry companion Bandit struggling to breathe.  It was obvious we had to do something.  We tried to get him to the Vet, but he passed away on his own...in his daddy's arms.  It seemed to happen suddenly...but he's been having seizures now for a year.  Not often, but enough we knew the end was coming.  We've had him since he was a puppy - 8 weeks old and we miss him already.  This so sudden after Leia lost her eye.  Mom has her surgery tomorrow and my last dose of chemo is this Friday.  I want to look forward to that, but right now...everything has weighed down my heart.  I'm too concerned for mom to think of much celebration for this last chemo day.  But there is a Red Letter Day coming quickly!