Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Thursday. I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries. I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer. This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.
It is my "good" weekend. So I wanted to visit momma. She had her final cataract surgery on Friday and did fine. But I wanted to see her again before my chemo. She is planning to have GYN restructure surgery later in the month. She may not survive the surgery. But she wants a better quality of life. So we basically gave her permission to die. :( To seek a better end of life anyway. She is in end stage liver failure that was caused by her Tomoxophen. It poisoned her liver and her oncologist never took tests to see how she was handling it.
This is the reason my oncologist is going to use Arimidex for me as he said...though it's extremely rare, we found when it happens to one person, it happens to other members of the family. It's a familial, genetic response to Tomoxophen and how it's processed. All my sisters are on different prohibitive cancer meds now.
I need to see mom and we were going to go late afternoon. Then I find out this sister and her clan are going. My blood counts are good but I still have to avoid kids. Seriously, they said to avoid grade school kids altogether as they are notorious germ carriers. So K and I decided to wait a little later to give them a chance to leave. It was closer to 8 pm before we arrived at moms.
I'd been so looking forward to a QUIET weekend with my momma, and visits with my sisters and niece. sigh.
I arrived to a full house. I don't get people. I thought I was being slick waiting later so they would be gone.
fragrantroses wrote:Ain't that the truth!! Somehow last year, I got H1N1 and nobody else in the home did. However, I'm betting on of them brought it home from school and kindly gave it to me.
Seriously, they said to avoid grade school kids altogether as they are notorious germ carriers.
I had my new denim hat on which was decorated with my big gaudy hair band flower. I got immediate positive comments on that. Then came the question that I dreaded and just KNEW someone in my family was going to be so gauche to ask. It turned out to be one of my female cousins, "Can we see your head?"
I said "NO!" and walked away.
Some of the boys were asking "why...come on...whats the big deal. Its just a bald head."
Seriously? Can people really be so classless? My cousins aren't children! The youngest is 35! It really bothered me.
I was shocked by mom's appearance. She was thinner than she was just a month ago when she came for my surgery. :( She said she hadn't lost any weight. I told her then she had lost muscle mass . Her weight was probably stable as she lost muscle she gained more abdominal fluid. She wasn't yellow which is good. But she looked like one of those little dried apple people? More wrinkled, dark and knarly. sigh. She's so frail and I should be there. I'd like to talk to God about this timing.
She was so exhausted she went to bed within 30 minutes after I got there. She was so achy she took 2 sleeping pills to make sure she fell asleep.
Finally the cousins left and it got a little quieter. I had a nicer visit then with my sisters.
We left late afternoon, and today its just us. K grilled ribeye steaks and we had corn and shells n cheese...probably our favorite bad starch. lol
Becky brought me another card. It said...if someone asks why you wear a scarf on your head...tell them you are a pirate and then GROWL at them. We laughed and laughed. She had planned to send it later but after the cousins hassling me about my head, she couldn't resist.
Some people don't see eye to eye about how I deal with cancer. Some people think I need to be dancing and praising God. I think this is one of those times where I am content to let Christ carry me through it. If I think too much about the cancer and what's ahead I get scared. I decided God doesn't want me afraid. So it's okay to take it day by day and let him carry me through. I have another family member who thinks I don't have enough to do....she's asking me to help her plan a wedding. *roll my eyes*
It's a busy week ahead....getting my hair, taking the Look Good class.