Thursday, April 4, 2013

Pink Ribbons~ Banana Pops and 'Roid Rage

Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Thursday.  I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries.  I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer.   This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.

These are not current events, events are from Sept. 2010

I'm finding this second chemo dose is different.  I was exhausted and the nausea was stronger than my normal meds. So they gave me IV injection atavan. It made me loopy. After a nap, my meds and some Maloox its back.   So they're ordering a Scopalamine patch. We didn't plan on this so its using up the last of our funds. God will have to meet the rest of the needs. I feel awful and not very social but our most social nurse is coming. It feels like things are starting quicker this time.

Nausea didn't bug me last time as much as the anerexia.  I had lost 10 lbs in a week.  Dr. Joe frowned and told me losing weight was okay but not that much.

I'm not having muscle pain yet but they feel hot like something's about to happen. I don't mean to whine. I just want to sleep for a week.

I did come home to three new cute. The ACS gave me two winter caps that are major cool.  One black woo,l the other white fur for really cold weather. I need lighter caps to wear around the house. I was given one pretty crocheted cap by a volunteer. I told K i needed a board hug to hang my caps. Jumbled on the dresser causes me to miss them.

Rosey...make room for more, because I just ordered two pink hats (one is pink and the other is dark red pink) that just screamed Rosie! Rosie! Rosie!.  They're more lightweight, so I'm glad to hear you need some of those.  I hope you like them.  I'll mail them as soon as they arrive.

I hope you're feeling better today.  Oh, and you are ALLOWED to whine.  You can even scream and holler and whine if you feel like it.

Let's bow our heads for a moment to remember Mr. Rosey. Because I've been close to hurting him! I have been experiencing what we determined to be "roid rage". I was just seething. 

A friend gave us a Walmart gift card to get what we wanted for dinner. I really needed pudding, my banana pops and milk. So I went. Course I wanted some fruit to juice too. There was a problem with the gift card that had to be straightened out.  I'm burning at this point and want to leave.  But K starts mumbling about the waste of gas if we didn't get what we came for. So I buzzed around the store scaring anyone who blocked my way.

I nearly had melt down at the movie candy aisle. A mom with three snorting, hacking and sneezing kids were there snarking the whole time, handling the boxes and all I wanted the ":/"')";&;-WHOPPERs! I stepped up as the three did a trio of sneezing. So I stepped back and sprayed my face and hands and the air around me with my purse size spray santizer.  

Their mom looked at me cockeyed. I try again to reach for the Whoppers, only to have a bigger kid turn and Sa-neeze directly in my face. I was shocked and blurted out "Do you MIND NOT SHARING your germs with the public!" The mother stood gaping at me as I once again sprayed where I felt his spray land! She says something lame to the boys...try to cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. 

I sprayed again and told the boys if they would kindly step aside I would get my selection. Then they could go back to the bickering and infecting the public! (I have I mentioned that crisis and stress bring out the B in me?) They all hung their mouths open but held their sneezing for a minute. I grabbed my whoopers and whipped around. So their momma starts..."now just wait a minute." So I gave her my "hairy eyeball glare" and told "as for time your kids are sick keep them home and stop subjecting the public to their germs just for candy!"  And I left her in my dust! I was so tempted to sweep all that darn candy on the floor and tell them to go for it!

WM was thrilled the card worked because I came the closest to a public tantrum as I have EVER! Seriously I may have landed in jail I was so close to a food fight!

Poor K is stuck with me. I want to hurt him just cause he's in the room...eating MY banana pops and MY banana cream pudding! He teases me wanna pick a fight? and yes. Yes I do.

He thinks its so funny because this is outside my character. I burst into tears once cause I was just seething and couldn't bring it down. I wanted to pinch off his head! He's chuckling and telling me he things my meanness is just the steroids effecting.  That's when he pointed out that I was probably experiencing 'roid rage!  Who expected this?

I drank a wine cooler hoping it would help. Then took a hot bath in the big tub downstairs to see if it did. Not really. Then my sister "Bug" texted that she wanted to eat someone alive, she was on steroids for a bad allergy reaction.  We compared our 'roid rages.

I went to a little. I woke up two hours later wide awake..again thank you Mr. steroid. Thank God last night was the last dose. They had me double the dose this round so the reaction is so much more intense. augh.

I will probably vacuum. I lose as much hair as the furbabies.   Although honestly, why did I lose head hair and groin hair..but still have to shave my chin whiskers and legs? Granted the regrowth is slowwww.  It's a week before they get stubbly so that's an improvement but my scalp is still losing hair.

My skin is so dry I leave flakes everywhere. I toss throws on the recliner or chairs, otherwise there's a white chalk outline of where my body was.

A Latino chick at Look Good, Feel Better told me she uses Cocoa Butter to keeo from getting " ashy " so I picked up some at WM between temper tantrums. It does soften but we will see if it stops the flaking. I feel all pruned up inside so here I am at 4 am sucking down water trying to calm this thirst.

Paula I really enjoy hats so bring them on. I said something to K about getting a couple more winter hats and a strawberry blonde wig. He's like "can't you have too many hats?"   I told him, "I don't know.  Can you have too many guitars? Or cds?"  He didn't say another word but he ATE another one of my banana pops.  The next time he reaches in my freezer he may pull back a stump! sigh. See I'm being mean and stingy. And I just revealed all my bad temper to you guys. Don't hold it against me. :(

Maryland Crab:
(((Rosey)))At least take a little giggle at it all.  Girl power.  You are Rosey, hear you roar.  They were probably all sneezing cause of allergies if that makes you feel any better.  Hope you can find a way to be fit for public - lol.  But also for yourself, it's not fun feeling that full of anger.  And that's not who you are, so you know it's a reaction and will calm down.

I hope you're in a deep sleep now and that inner anger is fighting for you to get better.

Wow, I would not have wanted to be anywhere in that WalMart!  Grace, grace, grace.  Reminds me of how easy it is to judge someone's mood and not really understand why they are in that mood to begin with.  You may want to put on a shirt next time that says, "Warning! 'Roid Rage - Converse/Sneeze/Look at your own risk!"   

Bless your heart for being so open to all of us.  I hope that you do get some rest today.  I would suggest that if you don't like football, turn on the TV about noon and you should get a few hours of sleep just watching football!  But if those games get you worked up; they might not accomplish what you want it to.  Prayerfully, as I type, you have finally closed your eyes and begun to rest.  I will pray that your "rage" subsides, which I'm sure it will.  Imagine all that chemo bottled up inside just ready to explode.  It's doing what you need it too!  Including making trips to WalMart much more exciting!  

((((Tina)))) I'm so sorry you are feeling that way.

I am in NO WAY saying I understand how you feel with the 'roid rage, but I do get the being the Big B and seeing it like you're watching from a distance and wondering why you can't just stop.  I get like that before my period sometimes. I'm just raging at David over the stupidest thing and in my head I'm saying "shut up, you crazy woman. What is your problem?" but I don't stop because I just can't shut the mouth up! And quite frankly, it feels good to just get all the rage out.   David just shakes his head and says, "oh man, it's the week I can't do anything right"  Sadly, he's right. If he had chosen to do the other option, I would have probably yelled at him too 

I had to laugh at your description of you WM trip. I know it was far from funny to live it, but you sure bring out the humor as you tell it.

I have been praying for you and thinking of you. Love, Shelley

About that rage - you know the show ThirtySomething?  Well in one of the later seasons one of the main characters gets cancer.  She has lots of anger, and she ends up going out to a field near the Airport with a friend where she can watch the planes taking off and landing.  The sound is really loud, obviously. They lay on the hood of their car, and when the planes come overhead, they yell as loud as they can for as long as they can until the plane passes.   I thought that was a brilliant idea.  I have felt like that a few times in my life, but never done it.  Do you live near an airport??

Or another trick is to get a pillow and hold it over your mouth while you SCREAM into it. Repeat as necessary.

(((Hugs and prayers.  I think of you so often! And I pray for you whenever I think of you.)))

PS Tell KJ to buy his own banana pops, those are yours. :) ha

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