Hand over the Brownie *Warning: Estrogen Content*

*Estrogen content:  Those things pertaining only to women.  If you be male or someone who doesn't like discussing things purely female...like periods, breasts, nursing, childbirth...all estrogen topics.  You probably want to skip this one and wait for the next posting.  *waving bye bye*

On May 1^st, I returned to my plastic surgeon, who was impressed with the progress I had made over last 14 months concerning my skin, blood vessels and muscles.  Radiation burns and scars just flat out damage the GOOD stuff with the BAD.  It can continue to affect the tissue's ability to heal for up to a year after radiation is completed.  This is why he insists rad. patients wait a full year after the last day of radiation before beginning or completing reconstruction.  But as I said, he was so impressed with my skin; he promptly gave me a 60 cc expansion in the tissue expanders aka known as the "pucketts" after the plastic surgeon who placed them there.  I barely noted the expansion.  Might have been a little uncomfortable at times, but I completed my chores despite this expansion.

On the second expansion I was fine... right until I was not. I walked through the hospital and out to the parking lot, each step felt progressively painful. I was panting, not from exhaustion or heat but because each breath felt like my ribs were breaking.  I couldn't take a breath; I couldn't even stand totally upright because of the spasms in my rib cage.  Thankfully, we had made arrangements that day that "I" would drive my husband home from his work right across the street from said hospital.  I called him, still panting from PAIN, and with a short drive across the street, he immediately met me in the parking lot and took over the driving. He took me to dinner.  He took one look at me and knew he was either fixing dinner or buying it.  Sooo Cracker Barrel it was.  But oddly the next day I felt 80% better and mostly got my work done.  I even mowed a good portion of my lawn.

This week I had my THIRD 60 cc expansion.  Again initially the process was fine.  I could feel the saline going in and pushing against the walls.  But that part isn't really painful.  This time I had the forethought to arrange this visit to coincide with the time that my son gets off work.  He met me in the hospital and drove me home.  While he was here, he also mowed our back yard. (Thank you!)  

Until about bedtime, when the muscles across my chest, and under my arms started twitching, twanging, and twisting.  Even the non-radiated side got grouchy.   I suppose that’s a good thing, as it definitely meant parts of me were stretching.  But my ribs felt like they were being pulled from under my arm.  The muscles spasmed hysterically across my chest.  There was significant pain under the scar, and this is the first for scar pain.  Unfortunately it’s a good thing to have pain there, because my scar is adhered to the muscle under it.  The pain indicates it’s being pulled and stretched as well as the skin and muscle.  The obnoxious part is that the incision scar runs across the area where a nipple used to be.  So it feels like someone is PINCHING my nipple with a very large set of vice grips.  I want to yell at something or someone to let me loose but then remember, this is my reality.  

The image is all this

guy's fault!

That next morning, (Wed.)  lifting a cup to my lips, the lap top to my lap set off a symphony of pain that sounded forth from both sides of the foobs (false boobs - which I can't take credit for the word.  It's common in reconstruction circles.)  And mercy, don't sneeze in this condition!  I sneezed once and it felt like my rib cage split open and spewed alien babies all across the room. 

I'm relatively certain that I saw my stomach, lungs, spleen, heart, liver and pancreas fly across the room and like a rubber band - slap back into me.  I took every antihistamine in my medicine cabinet to prevent THAT from happening again.  So obviously I stayed pretty quiet through the day; reading was the only thing that didn't hurt.  I couldn't even walk without cradling the pucketts and praying that the sofa might magically appear in front of me.  I just felt yucky, achy and over tired, pain does that to you.

But yesterday was better than the day before, and today is better than yesterday.  Yesterday I could walk without pain.  I even made it to Wal-Mart last night.  (Yay, ME!) Today I can pick up the laptop without groaning.  I even managed to pick up clothes from the floor without wanting to scream OR curse.  The sensation of burning and stretching is still there but its better.  The ripping rib cage sensation is mostly gone. 

Before this week's visit with the plastic surgeon I learned from breastcancer.org that I had not been asking the right questions of my PS.  So Tuesday I went in with a list...what brand TE do I have?  Mentor.  What is their capacity?  560 cc's.  What am I currently filled to?  660!  ARE THEY GOING TO POP?  Horrors!  Pictures of bursting water balloons filled my mind. The resident chuckled and explained that there was no danger of rupture, they were made to overfill.  Then I asked what the largest implant I could have was.  She explained that in silicone, I could only go to an 800 cc. implant.  They don't make them larger.  But if I chose saline, I could go as high as I wanted.  (Again, with the bursting water balloon images!)  She spoke about the benefits of both and then the good doctor came in to do the fill.

Yesterday I hopped back on breastcancer.org because I wanted to know if other women who had radiation had successful implant surgeries.  The answer was yes.  I commented in one place how tight the skin on the radiated side was, much less the brick wall muscle behind it.  A fellow warrior popped up to tell me "Palmer's Cocoa Butter".  Liberally lubricate the skin (Boy, I have a thing for alliterations today.) several times a day.  Moisturized skin stretches better than dry skin and when I thought about it, that made sense.  So we went to the before mentioned Wal-Mart and I came home with my own pump bottle of Palmer's.  At bedtime, I pumped some into my hand and found it's more of a cream than a lotion.  It was thick, and smelled nice, rather chocolaty.

This morning, I awoke after a night of blessedly cool sleeping weather and smelled baking brownies.  I knew my husband left for work, but curiously I still smelled brownies.  In the empty kitchen, I still smelled brownies.  I was somewhat confused but decided I would dress for the day before continuing this brownie hunt like the brownie-hound within was insisting.  Brownies for breakfast sounded like a great idea!  (Psssstt - don't tell the Diabetic Educator!)  I pulled the nightgown off and was assaulted with that brownie smell again.  Grabbing the nightgown, I stuck my nose in it and sniffed.  Yep.  Brownies.  I looked at the bottle of Palmer's Cocoa butter and realized the brownie scent was obviously a result of the cocoa butter.  I should have realized COCOA butter.  I don't think I mind smelling like brownies, but my taste buds are sorely disappointed.  I don't have a mix in the house, but I could pull out the faithful Betty Crocker and make my own.

So if I run into you on the street, in church or in the infamous Wal-Mart, and you have a sudden urge for dark, rich, chocolaty brownies.  Don't look at me.  The mixes are in the baking aisle.

The Ying and the Yang

There will some of this.

It might not have been fair.  After all when Mr. Rosey comes home from work, he's stressed and tired and the last thing he wants to think about is exercise.  Meanwhile, me - Rosey had reached her summit of how long she can go without something sweet and chocolatey.  Ummmm...that's about 5 days without some baked sweetness.  And then I break and enter...into a bag of something that will make my diabetic educator fall over in a dead faint.   

There may be some of this...

There will be most certainly a lot of this...

 ...When she down loads my insulin and carb intake over the last 2 weeks.  I have done very well this week and I'm happy to report that my Blood Sugar values are trending downward.  That makes her happier.

I kind of find it difficult to relate to skinny diabetic educators.  Why can't they have a extra roll somewhere?  Is there an actual Body Fat calculator at the admissions office when a person shows up to enroll in classes for nursing/diabetic classes?  I have seen three so far in the last ten years and not one extra ounce among them.  I mean a stiff wind could send them rolling across the parking lot.  So I sit in these little chairs trying to stuff MY extra rolls under my waistband all the while trying to look poised and classy.

Similar to my sister's unit.

To back up and explain a little, a couple of weeks ago...well actually over a month ago, I had a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself.  It was the week before my son's wedding, and I was crazy busy and stressed out.  One afternoon, I was irritated because I felt bad.  I was feeling bad because we had been "eating on the run" and my blood sugar was out of control.  My average was hanging around 300 by my guess.  So I made the decision to switch to an insulin pump.  It's the niftiest little thing.  One reason I have resisted the doctors suggestion of a pump is because my sister has one.  She has to wear her monitor on her belt in a cell phone holder.  Which means she has to have on a skirt or pants.   I like to wear dresses and skirts, and I couldn't see myself sewing pockets into underwear...so I resisted the whole thing.

This day however, I told myself to pull on the big girls panties and acknowledge that what I had been doing was not working.  I was losing weight but the Blood Sugar was consistently too high.  So I made the decision to look into a pump.  I googled insulin pumps of course and up came a new concept..the tubeless system.  The Omnipod, is totally disconnected from my body.  It has a wireless transmitter and receiver in both the pod and the monitor, so they can "talk".

My insertion device is a little larger than my sisters, but there's no tubes and it's waterproof.  I can swim or shower with my pod on, still get insulin coverage and just not think about it.  The receiver - the cell phone looking item, can stay in your purse or on a table.  It has to be within 5 feet of your body to make changes to the programs...such as  bolus injection for meals or to change the basal rate of delivery...meaning the constant drip of insulin can be changed to slower or faster.

I do have to say one thing here and those who know me personally know this is true of me....if I was to pose with my monitor like this I would have fixed that "white trash" nail polish.  The only thing that grosses me out more than chewed on and chipped polished nails, are people who don't take care of their feet but still wear sandals.  bleck, gag, shudder.  

So the "come to Jesus" meeting which is not disrespectful, but a phrase we use to mean "very serious talk to yourself or someone requiring instant change of attitude or behavior".  I got the information on the Omnipod, located a distributor whose customer service had the whole shebang sent to me within 10 days...100% covered by my insurance.

Now with the decision to take better care of my diabetes, was also the mandate to return to a healthier way of eating.  The wedding was over and it was a good time to work on our meals again.  So this week, the grill has gotten a workout as well as the steamer basket.  We were feeling pretty good and my blood sugar was trending down.  I talked Mr. Rosey into a walk around the block as well and that helped even more.

But yesterday was a combination of two things.  One...Mr. Rosey was tired.  And Two...Mrs. Rosey NEEDED some chocolate.  So I baked brownies.

I know.  Your mouth waters and your own blood sugar is going up just to look at these luscious beauties...Turtle brownies with the rich deep chocolate chewiness that we've come to love with deep, gooey swirls of caramel twisting in and around in a lovely dance of taste bud delight.

Mercy, I'm salivating just writing that.  Yes, I had reached the fullness of time that I can go without something chocolate.  So I baked them.

But after our healthy dinner, I suggested a walk to which Mr. Rosey just groaned.  I didn't blame him as I had been fighting with a conflict between my neck, shoulder and nerves.  I didn't feel like walking either.

Awwww the age old conflict.  How bad do I want this brownie?  Enough to take a walk or does it sit in the fridge perhaps for lunch tomorrow, or dinner dessert if I walk tomorrow?  This was my Ying...if I don't walk I get nothing.  And the Yang, I walk, and I can have a brownie

                                    or

Well.  We Walked.  :)

I got to have my brownie and eat it too.  Perhaps my Diabetic educator won't squeal too long, if I show her the balance between my exercise and my carb load.  You think that might work?  Yeah, me neither.

But all along our goal is to make healthier choices, not to stick to rigid meal plan that deletes entire food groups out of the diet.  I have to watch my carbs because that is what loads your blood with circulating sugar.  But we still have the occasional starchy veggie or the juicy piece of fruit.  And yes, the occasional baked sweetness.  We found that with balance, we were losing weight and feeling WONDERFUL.  I felt so healthy eating this way and getting exercise.  All the way up to the cancer diagnosis.  Since then we have existed more on what is easy rather than what is healthy.  But I'm happy to report that other than the occasional bad day, I'm feeling pretty swell.  So we are encouraging each other to make better choices.

Now for the good stuff.

If you'd like to try that recipe here it is

2 cups chopped pecans
· 2 cups white sugar
· 1 cup unsalted butter
· 4 eggs
· 1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
· 1 cup all-purpose flour
· 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
· 24 individually wrapped caramels, unwrapped
· 42 pecan halves

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2. Mix the sugar, butter, eggs and cocoa until just blended. Slowly add flour and one teaspoon of the vanilla. Mix until just blended. Spread batter in pan and top with chopped pecans.
3. Bake about 25 minutes. Let cool on wire rack.
4. In saucepan over low heat, melt caramels, stirring until smooth. Remove from heat and stir in remaining vanilla. Drizzle over brownies in parallel rows and press pecan halves into the caramel in neat rows. Let set for at least 10 minutes.


When I make this I use caramel ice cream topping and usually walnuts as they are cheaper. And I add all the nuts to the batter, so they are surrounded by a blanket of chocolate goodness.



But if you want to know the honest truth, for this little piece of bribery, I used this recipe.... feel free to use it is you wish. 

Follow the directions on the back!

Bwa hahahaha!  Okay, this was not a "whole foods" item but when ya gotta have a brownie ten minutes ago, I might break my no processed foods rules.

So where do you find balance between what is good for you and what you want?