Pink Ribbons ~ Impatience!

Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Wed.  I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries.  I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer.   These are not current events.  This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.

August 2010
I have concluded that I am an impatient person. I want to feel normal today and I don't. grrr

I believe I am recovering well.  I have progressed from the narcotic pain meds to IB now. I took the narcotic at bedtime yesterday but the rest of the day I used IB. One of the problems is that my whole shoulder area is in spasms. I know my tissues are sensitive. Some might remember how my lap band surgery went bad because my stomach swelled shut?   I wound up in the hospital for 4 days getting IV fluids and steroids to reduce the swelling.  It seems that anything inside my body will react by swelling and spasming.  It feels like sewing the port down to the pectoralis muscle has sent that whole cluster of muscles into spasm. At first it was just all pain. But now I can tell a difference between muscle spasms and the pain around the port.

So I asked Mr. Rosey last night, "Since I have a muscle relaxer script for my back, do you think it would help with these muscle spasms too?"

He thought it should. His specific answer was, "The pill doesn't know it's prescribed for back spasms and you're taking it for the shoulder."  Well duh, that's what happens being married to a pharmacy tech.   So I took the muscle relaxer.  That helped ...a lot.

I'm trying to small things around the house today. Dishes, for starters. Picking up the Sunday paper for another. But I'm sitting to rest after each chore.

I also need to set timers for 2 hours to remind myself to pee. I have to train myself to pee (during chemo) every 2 hours whether I feel like it or not... it keeps the chemo from burning the bladder lining.   hissss...sounds painful.

I'm starting to get nervous/ anxious. Not sure what to expect from chemo. But I'm worried about that bone shot I'm to get the next day. They said it WILL cause bone pain, we just dont know to what degree. :( So I'm stewing over it.

In those first two years after I fell and the nerves in the legs were dying....I was in so much nerve pain. There was little to be done about it. I would lie writhing on my bed and just sob from the pain. I keep asking God...we aren't going back there are we? The nurse said they will medicate for the bone pain if it gets intense. sigh. I just don't want pain at all.

But I'm impatient to GET ON WITH IT!  It's been diagnosed, decided and scheduled.  I'm tired of limbo.  I can't get THROUGH this until I START this.  augh.

The only Good Impatience

Meeshia:

I prayed for you every day that I saw my bracelet on.  I am glad that the IB is working for you.   I'm still praying Rosie.  I'm so grateful that you have so many ladies praying for you.   Storming the gates of heaven for you!  (((((Tina))))

Beth: Continuing prayers for you, friend. Thank you for your faithful updates. Love you!