Pink Ribbons Post - Am I Going To Die?

Pink Ribbons is a featured series of my blog about my journey with Breast Cancer.  

At the bottom of the page, you will find the links to the other posts.  

I am currently "No Evidence of Disease" (NED)

7.29.2010
 I got the results from the biopsy.  They confirmed cancer, I have it in the lymph nodes already.  The Radiologist called yesterday to tell me herself.  Hearing 'you have cancer' takes the wind out of you.  When she told me it was in the lymph system, I started to shake.   I dropped the cell phone and KJ thanked her for calling so quickly.  She told him I needed to schedule an appointment as soon as possible with a surgeon.  I remember a keening kind of cry and then I started rocking back and forth, sobbing.  Kelly wrapped his arms around me.  He took today off for this very reason.  I clung to him, while he assured me that he will be going through this right beside me.  He told me, You don't have to do this alone but you have to fight this.  To think that my mom and my dad and my lovely aunt Doris all heard those same words.

I kept thinking "I'm going to die.  People in my family don't just get cancer.  They die from cancer.

Actual post of 7/29/2010 to my WOW girls

Oh my dear friends. I know this upsets your apple carts too. Though only a few of us have met in person, we have shared so much in our lives with each other. I am fine with anyone sharing this with prayer partners or women’s groups. I think it hits close to home for everyone with breasts.


I had no idea there was any issue with the boobs. I do self-breast exams nearly every shower. The radiologist said without the mammogram I would not have felt this tumor for at least two more years. By the time I would know there was a lump...ca could have been all around the body. This mammy, allows me to get this treated before it is throughout the body. 

I'm having a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. That one scares me. I was supposed to have gotten it done in May but the hospital says they never got the order. They called this morning and KJ told me we need to know if there are any ovarian issues before talking to the surgeon. *gulp* He's right. But IF I had breast AND ovarian ca...Just pour me into a rubber room.

Several people have texted today and offered to drive me to appointments and one friend has offered to leave us her extra vehicle for weeks, if I have clusters of appointments. 

We will be working to get the house all cleaned up this weekend. I came home from moms, it was cluttered. With days of in and out, it looks like a laundry and paper bomb went off in it. Have you ever questioned...if I died in an accident today what would people find in my house? blech not a pretty sight. I just look around when leaving sometimes and hope I get back to pull that underwear off the ceiling fan.  Not that I have underwear on the ceiling fan here...I don't have ceiling fans.  lol  

The surgeon's visit is next Monday at 10 am. This is a 'new to me' doctor. My old surgeon doesn't "do" breasts anymore but said he would do my surgery because I'm a former patient. His first appointment wasn't until the 19th of August and no way could we wait till then. KJ's mantra is…get it out, get it out! So I opted for another surgeon and just took the one available. His name is Etters. I don't know anything about him. But his nurse, Mandy called me to get some information. She was amazing and very reassuring.  She's working on scheduling all the tests now.

***

Monday, August 2, 2010 - Got a call a little while ago that Dr. Etters wouldn't be available for my 3 pm appointment today. He found out he had OR on call. So he told them to reschedule me first pick as "she is a young woman with new cancer so I know she's scared. Schedule her first over the returns." He may have just won my heart with that comment. :) You know how everyone falls for their OB? I wonder if the same thing happens with a surgeon. 

Fighting Cancer is hard when 

you’re afraid you’re going to die.

Recommended Resource - 

Navigating Breast Cancer

Lillie D. Shockney, RN, BS, MAS

Administrative Director

John Hopkins Avon Foundation Breast Center

University Distinguished Service Associate Professor of Breast Cancer

John Hopkins University School of Medicine

Department of Surgery, Gynecology & Obstetrics

Associate Professor 

John Hopkins School of Nursing

Baltimore, MD

Breast Cancer Survivor

Pink Ribbons Links:
#4  Scared
#3  This page
#2  When They Tell You Have Cancer
#1  The day They Said Cancer.

Pink Ribbons - The Day They Said Cancer

Although I have had a separate blog for Cancer posts, I have found it difficult to organize, post and update 2 different blog sites.  So my decision is to integrate those journal notes into Through Rosey's Glasses as Pink Ribbons Posts.  I will also link these posts to the page here Rosey,the Pink Warrior!  So note, if a post is labeled Pink Ribbons, the topic is breast cancer and my experience.  Right now the plan is to release another part of my Pink Ribbon battles every Wed. morning.  When I was diagnosed I wanted so bad to talk to women who fought and made it to the other side. I wanted to know if what I felt was normal, were they afraid?  So here I am on the other side of treatment, and I'm talking to you... the newly diagnosed and those who love you. 

I walked into a routine mammogram this afternoon.

 I walked out with breast cancer.

This was the message I posted on 7/27/2010 to my online friends of more than 10 years (the WOW girls) . This is the text that I copied into my journal that night.

The radiologist was certain of the diagnosis. But she did a breast biopsy as well to confirm. I also have enlarged lymph nodes in the arm pit. They were biopsied as well. The next step will depend on whether there is cancer in these lymph nodes. If there is I will most likely have chemo first then surgery. Otherwise I will have surgery. She did think that it will be a lumpectomy. But I was already looking ahead and telling myself "No Lumpectomies.  If this is cancer, I'm having double mastectomies.  And if it's NOT cancer I'm still having mastectomies."

This breast biopsy isn't the worst thing but its no picnic either.

Image of cancer tumor on
mammogram.  Not mine though.

I should get confirmation on Thurs afternoon. She already asked for my surgeon's name. Hopefully we can move forward quickly. But seriously do people have a list of doctors in their heads? I have used a surgeon before, but where or how do you look for an Oncologist?

My mind is still spinning around wondering how can I take care of mom? I told her I would stay with her so she doesn't have to leave her home as her condition deteriorates. I don't know what will happen if I can't take care of mom. KJ is stressed with his new job and I need to be able to help him. Now he's looking at having to take care of the house and laundry and meals.

We are NOT telling my mom or sisters. And we are waiting til the pathology report comes in before telling James. Knowing whether it's spread is a major factor in what comes next.

*What's next?  I will be sharing the actual events of the "Day They Said Cancer" in the next edition of Pink Ribbon.








Link to next Pink Ribbons post -
#4Scared
#3Am I Going to Die?
#2When They Tell You, You have Cancer