The Well-Worn Panty Path

Mr. Rosey has often ask "Why do you feel the need to report EVERY silly thing you do?" The answer is, "I usually get a giggle out of it myself, and often I get a "slap my knee" that's funny moment. And the really GOOD stuff, I get the "bust a gut wish I was wearing Depends or Poise" moment. And when I do, I think of you, my beautiful friends. Comedian Tim Hawkins says, "If you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at someone else." So I share to give you something to laugh at...my silliness, my chemo or spaghetti brain moments, my power surge menopause moments (wait - that one is coming, but Mr. Rosey will die of humiliation when he reads what I got caught doing...so I'm letting that story chill a week...or a month.) I shared this story with a blogger friend, Nancy Smith who shares her wisdoms with me. I enjoy her and graciously thank her for supplying me with this title...It was perfect!  I realized when telling HER the story, it was not that I had ever admitted to beyond the boundaries of my voice.  So I decided to embrace the Rosey and share the story across the world.  lol  And live up to my purpose...

    

Several several years ago at a Ladies Retreat, I had this misfortune of wearing what had to be my rattiest pair of panties. All s t r e t c h e d out...no elastic left to save it's life. They were so stretchy that I had actually pulled the top up, pulled them up over the breasts and snapped the bra band over the cloth.  Oh yeah, it was THAT pair of underwear.  Being the kind of church we were in at the time, we were all wearing skirts or dresses. The up and down in the service was not so much of a problem  But when I started walking from the auditorium to the dining hall (you know what's coming don't you) the panties started to do the shimmy. They pulled out from under the bra band, and every woman knows - when you pull that number, that underwear has no life left.  So I found myself doing that duck walk thing you do when you are either hoping to not lose your bladder or two...trying to keep a bad pair of panties out of view.  I was trying to keep my thighs clinched together long enough to keep the dumb thing hidden until I could get to my cabin and make a change to my "wardrobe program." Well that was in a perfect world. I'm walking and I tripped on a stone and bam...the panties are on the ground. I stopped for a second, unsure what to do. I knew to stoop and picked them up would draw more attention. So I just stepped out and kept going. Got to my cabin and fixed that problem cuz you know if they thought it was wicked to wear pants rather than a skirt it was doubly wicked to be pantiless under the skirt.

I took care of the business and went on to the dining hall Got my food and no one's looking at me but there is raucous laughter coming from these women. I mean they were ROWDY. I took a seat and as I took my first bite, the person next to me turns to me and asks "Have you heard about the woman who lost her drawers out in the pathway?" I choked on my food at that point, which she took as a no and permission to proceed telling me the story of the lady who lost her "drawers" out on the pathway!

 She proceeds to tell me she was a ways behind, but what she heard was they noticed the woman was kind of walking funny.   Then she tripped and her panties hit the ground!  I started choking, gasping and reaching for the glass of iced tea.  She kept right on finishing her story.

"The woman stopped a second and then kept on walking, leaving her panties on the path behind me. She never looked back!"

So they break out in gales of laughter again. So I choke out, "Oh she must have been soooooo embarrassed". Then another woman answers me "she probably was, but she carried it off with such class!"  And again they were off with the giggles, and telling stories that were beginning with the words "That reminds of the the time I..."  Around the dining hall, there were staccato outbursts of laughter, with quieter rumbles of conversation interrupted by the punctuation of giggles.  Mercy, I thought as I rubbed my forehead, hoping to wipe away it's sudden headache.  The entire dining hall is talking about my underwear.

I finished my meal and scurried down the path.  Some brave soul had picked up the panties.  I breathed a prayer of thanks that while this pair was stretched out and dead of elastic, it wasn't knarly underwear....you know "that time of the month, this is all you wear" KNARLY underwear!

Of course, the people I came with, the blabber mouths soon circulated the story even claiming they KNEW the woman who lost her drawers. That night after the service was over, all the serious spiritual business was done, we were having an all nighter in the auditorium.  It was crafts, make overs, all sorts of fun girly stuff going on.  We later gathered in the auditorium singing and sharing and doing skits. So then a few of my "former" friends get up there and starting singing their song...

The road before me, my panties behind me. 

The road before me, Pan-ties behind me.

The road before me, panties behind me, 

no turning back... no turning back.... 

Ack!  I should have choked them all! They proceed to tell everyone that the woman with the missing drawers is one of their group and thought she should come up and take a bow...providing she had replaced the pantie issue anyway. I kind you not, I was slinking down in my seat, hoping to not be seen by the vultures up front.  

Then my SISTER says....omg...it was YOU wasn't it! So she stands to blab while pointing at me as I crawl on all fours down the aisle way...."It was my sister!  It was Rosey!"  As my sister jumps and points at my disappearing backside.  My mother rolled her eyes and shook her head, knowing to not even look at me.

So you see my photo here....blond, blue eyes, I have rosecea, I flush easily and this was WAY before hot flashes. So I'm walking to the front of the building wondering how in the world could there ever be a more humiliating moment, the heat radiating off my face was singeing my hair. 

Then all those laughing women started

 clapping and stood up ! 

 By the time I got up with my friends, there was thunderous applause, along with the hysterical laughter. 

What could I do? I flung my arms around my friend's shoulders and we started singing together....complete with the leg kicks.

the road before me, panties behind me

....through the whole song. 

 And we then took a Rockette bow.

Numerous people came to me laughing and sharing with me about their "wardrobe malfunctions". So many women, shared their own panty mishaps, and others just hugged me and told me "But for the grace of God...while they shook their head." Other's hugged me for being a good sport and being willing to admit it was me.  At the ending award ceremony I was called up front for the recipient of of the "most spontaneous hilarious moment" award....a package of panties with a big red bow. I did not ask how they knew the size I wore.

I don't attend that denomination anymore but my sister does. I still have gone to Ladies retreat with her, and I still hear stories "remember that one year, there was a woman whose panties fell off and she just stepped out and kept going like she didn't know, or at least care.  It was the funniest thing! 

And I always reply to the teller of this story, "Really?  Poor thing, she had to be embarrassed.  I bet she makes sure she has a secure pair of panties on when she travels."  The teller nods and agrees while my friends would grin outrageously, fidget and giggle.  I shot them the "hairy eyeball glare" that can stun small children into obedience, so they calm down.  I choose to forego telling this new story teller that I KNOW the "panty woman" BUYS new underwear for every vacation or trips  She not willing the untimely death of another piece of elastic again!