Pink Ribbons ~ My Own Miracle

Pink Ribbons is a feature series I have started that is posted every Thursday.  I am a Pink Ribbon Warrior, having gone through the chemo, surgery, radiation, the year of waiting and recently stage 2 reconstruction...which I find is really the first of many little surgeries.  I am at a place in my life where I am willing to open my journal from that time and share with you my anger, fears, challenges and pain of finding out you have cancer.   These are not current events.  This is me sharing with you from the other side of breast cancer.

August 28, 2010

I'm talking quietly because I don't to re-awaken the pain. My back is tight and sore. But that has become almost a normal sensations for me.

Yesterday was bad. I had to call the doctor again as my temperature rose and would not come down. It was 102.4 when I got the doctor on the phone. MY doctor was on call when I called. He answered and said "We have to quit meeting this way Missy!" I like him.

He believes the fever was from chemo, muscle inflammation and the shot. I had no other signs of infection. Parts of me do hurt, but I think I can move today. Yesterday I cruised the recliner all day long. Mr. Rosey helped me shower last night. We baptized the shower chair I guess.

Mr. Rosey struggling with the responsibilities of work and home. The church has been bringing food this week. But he comes home from work so stressed that normal home chores are sending him over the bend. I know its a struggle for him to do everything. K is a good man. But he has a major disease and a new job with lots of stress. I think the job anxiety is getting to him. Then he comes home to my reality.  I hope in the future I will remember to bless the caregivers who take care of the patients.

We have different views. He never puts things away. He groused last night because I folded up the tv trays. He wanted to know why I did it when I knew he'd be opening them again. I can't stand the clutter. I have a purple toe from one of those darn things falling and hitting the toe. I don't want to put pressure on him to keep things tidy for me. But I can't stand the visual clutter! lol

Thurs night was awful! All day I kept having mild low back pain that shot a zinger down the leg, like when you have a case of sciatica. They said bone pain might start out like that. As the night went on the low back pain got more distracting. It pulsed with my heartbeat. I was using the heater in the recliner to help, even though I had been instructed not to do that with the fever I had been running.   I finally took my evening meds and went to bed. At 12:30 I got up for a bathroom trip. It was mild pain when I got to the bathroom. But I was disinfecting my hands and the pain exploded.

I felt like my spinal column had blown up. 

I called for KJ who was up and in the room in a flash. I was bent over the sink, gasping from the pain as he helped me lurch back to the bed. He wanted to know how to help so I gasped...percocet, darvocet! Heating pad - hall closet!

I have endured a lot of pain in my life...I have had to work through pain that would break others. On the day I fell (8/18/2002), I would say maybe was 10 on the pain scale. I'm trying to compare that with this and I'm not sure now. This pain pulsated with my heart beat but it also came in waves like contractions. It hurt when it was at its lower level but as it gripped and intensified I cried and sobbed. It was easily 8/9 on the pain scale and I'm not certain it wasn't a 10. I know it scared Mr Rosey. I'm generally quiet when dealing with pain. I grunt and may groan but I don't cry out. It was Thurs. night. He got the pain meds on board and plugged in the heating pad. All the while I'm sobbing and gasping while he tries to decide what to do next.

Then an amazing thing happened, which is why I'm sharing the details. He scooped me in his arms laid his hand on my head and prayed loud (so God would hear over my cries). He prayed, reminding God he was a loving God and I was in pain. He asked God to release me from the pain. It tore his heart out for me to be in this kind of pain.

And in that instant things changed. Almost immediately the intensity changed. Each "contraction" was less and less intense  There was no break between the waves and I had been literally gasping as it would reach its peak. Mr. Rosey stroked my arm and spoke sweet nothings to me.

In 30 minutes I dosed off.

Percocet has never worked instantly for me. I barely notice its effect.

I claim this as a bonafide miracle of my very own.

Yesterday was exactly one month since diagnosis. I have noticed more issues with my stomach. The nausea is not like I expected. I don't feel the urge to puke. When I eat solid food, my stomach cramps down and rolls over. I tolerate mushy food, but really having to work with the solids. I have ground down a roast to mush so I could eat it.

In just 7 days, I have become more and more fatigued. I suspect my blood counts are lowering. Mid afternoon I have a window where I have a little energy. So today we went to Walmart and picked up protein shakes along with veggie juice and fruit juice. Making sure each 8 oz equaled a full days requirement. I know I will get that down for sure.

I'm frustrated with people who don't appear to have a clue what chemo does...like they think I'm dripping from the recliner because I like it there.  Seriously, I was asked to go wedding shopping with someone this evening!  I struggle getting from the recliner to the toilet!  I don't think I could get from a car to an entrance.

This person has complained to someone that I won't let her do ANYTHING for me.  She doesn't see that she's really asking me to do something for her.  She wants me to go shopping with HER.  She wants me to go OUT to dinner with her. It's so frustrating to feel this bad physically and deal with people who just don't clue in. So my friends, don't ask someone on chemo to go shopping with you, go out to dinner with you, or create some masterpiece out of cake or flowers.  Ask them what they would like YOU to do.  They may feel well enough to do what you wanted, it depends on their chemo and which stage they are in.  Goodness.

My pastor's wife called. She knew I'm feeling quite worn and wanted to know if we would like meals brought out this week too. I thanked her and told her Mr. Rosey felt like he could handle it. But we knew we could call if I got sicker.

So I'm cruising in the recliner watching the Cards play. sigh. I see the doctor on Monday for a blood draw and check up. I will find out if this fatigue is chemo or blood related. Either way I don't like it.

danica f - roseygirl~ praise the LORD for miracles! i am so sorry you were in such pain...GOD bless kj for his quickness to act!

nell2003 - God is good! I love when he shows up and is all the difference in the world!

Firmbeliever65 - (((Oh Rosey)))   I am so glad that God is taking care of you in only ways you will know for sure He is ministering. I pray that for you every morning. That He will reach down and make His presence known in a very personal powerful way. I am so in awe of how your husband is for you. I can't say anything but I am sorry for your pain, but I found myself this week praying in tandem  Lord thank you that this chemo is so horrible that it will knock out any and all cancer cells and knowing in order for it to be bad and mean enough to do it's intentions means that it will wreak havoc on you. I pray that the pain, sorrow, darkness, just plain yuck in every sense will be covered by His miracles Tina. We will keep praying and thank you for the update. I was wondering.

MargRN3 - Oh wow that made me tear up, Rosey. What a precious miracle for sure. i can only imagine how awful it must have been and so thankful the pain meds and PRAYER took it way down that pain scale.  Love you!

MarylandCrab - Okay, that got me all verklempt. I'm so sorry to hear about this pain, call me clueless, I never heard of chemo causing so much pain, I thought it was all about the nausea. I hate this for you, how much things have changed in a month for you. Okay, now I'll add the pain into my prayers. And your friend? eeeeek! Doing flowers for her will make you feel better? It would be funny if it wasn't so insanely insulting to all you are dealing with right now.

DemitasseDebutante - Asking you to do something for her when you're fighting a huge battle isn't about her??? What planet is she from? (Sorry that wasn't nice.) I teared up reading about KJ's prayer. Oh my word!! Of course its your own miracle!!! He (both of them!) love you to infinity and beyond!

Praising the Lord with you   I've been running like a chicken without a head all week and this is the first I've been on the board.......sigh...I'm sorry!! Praying for a better week with no pain!

Isn't the Lord wonderful to give you a miracle! Had God bumps all over as I read! You have a dear sweet man by your side too!! What a wonderful man!!